The depth to which I know myself, the road to recovery, potential traps, pot holes, snares and possible wrong turns didn't matter. No difference was made when guided and cared for by the most astute travelers on the road to wellness.
The breakdown was going to happen. No divergence would be had. No coaxing would decrease the emotional breakdown. Physically and emotionally drained. The drains doing more than their job of collecting fluid.
The drain removal should have been a time to rejoice, yet the removal was more of a physical reminder of that which had not been processed and an assault. The first full body emotional release triggered!
The depression of realizing the best thing for me was to be with others who could care for me meant not being at home. No matter how much I wanted to be at home, 9 days post op, I was unable to take care of myself without exhausting myself. I wanted to be with my wife, I wanted to be at home but mostly I wanted to be able to care for myself and that was not the case.
Each day is one step further away from cancer one step closer to healing. Nonetheless, no matter how far and how fast I wish to leave this behind me I must process it, shed it and create a new comfort in my own skin. This process isn't linear, soft or fluffy. It has teeth but the future is mine.
As difficult as this process has been there are times that I can honestly say I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. The love I have for my wife is deeper, richer, and more palpable. Yet above all the love I feel from my wife is indescribable, it feels intertwined in my fabric, a part of me. I am also present to being at my weakest point ever and being formed into a stronger, more compassionate, loving and loved woman.
There are more things I need to process and write that have been in my mind and I know they will ring of pain, sorrow and loss. Yet tonight I wish to leave this post thinking of a new future. Tomorrow 2013 will be gone, put away,in memories and in some boxes. Tomorrow brings change and nothing needs to be carried forth from yester year but love.
We are all loved and its that power that heals, creates, binds, resolves, and carries us forward. Happy New Year!
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