Ahhh N Eeeek

There is so much I wish to say but I feel the narcotics are getting in the way. We are less than 48 hours out from surgery. I am home and doing well, at least that is what I'm told. Thank you to everyone for all the loving support. We could not do this without you all. I hope to write more later but at this point I just wanted to let you all know that I'm healing and we will know the final path results the day after christmas. I guess I get to open my christmas present a day late. As fast as this has been and as scary I feel some relief. I would say some weight off my chest but that is just too much of a pun, even for me. I still have a bit of concern for the results but it is more mental than full body fear. I believe it will be ok and we can move on. Apparently I was very emotional in the recovery room, which I don't remember. That is good and bad. The first emotion I remember processing post surgery was during a late night dressing change. I'd already looked down at my chest all evening and it's clear there isn't anything there but there were dressings covering my incisions. The white sterile dressings gave me almost a perfect little breast. However, during the dressing change we had to take everything off and I got to see as best I could that really there wasn't anything there but steri-strips covering my incisions. My wife was there, thank goodness, as well as a Nurse and a Nursing assistant to assist with the dressing change. I didn't feel naked at all as I sat at the edge of the bed and these ladies removed the soiled dressings. I felt cared for and loved. Then I saw the right incision, the wrinkle and it was clear as I looked back at these women that THIS was my chest and my emotion was revealed to me. I choose this! I didn't choose cancer but I chose this and that there will be more emotion in the future revealed to me at it's own choosing and at that time I will have to once again choose this. I'm not mad, I think because I choose, but it still sucks. I am sad and depressed a bit but hopeful all at once that this will be IT, no more. I choose life and cancer you can go jump off a cliff!