Forgive me. Forgive the lack of formulated thought, editing, formatting or grammatical correctness.
I'm almost three beers in and even that isn't slowing the thoughts to a point of capture. I've just has a great day of lawyers, dentists, yoga, rock climbing and a shared parking lot brewski. As I look back at the last post its been a while since I've written. It's December and Saturday is a year since I had surgery. I've definitely been present to dates which hold weight as they pass.....starting of the process, diagnosis, surgery, pain, recovery and the current state of affairs......
Man, life doesn't stop. If you think it does you might need to join me and crack a beer. Just in the past two weeks life has created the following contents on my story, the first death on my table, A death to a love one, worry and concern for the future of the one who was left behind, a friend receives a clean bill of health after 2.5 years of chemo, a year anniversary for me post bilateral mastectomy, my 74 year old mother being asked if she is a marathon runner at her cardiac stress test appointment, my wife being told she needs a needle biopsy, a close friend who approaches her year anniversary reporting her father has stage 3 cancer, speaking to a lawyer about wills/living wills and Power of Attorneys just incase.
WTF. I guess we are just need to enjoy the ride.
As the cat snuggles in on the laptop and I attempt to write, compose and think....it has been a, what is the right adjective, GREAT...NO, not quite it, INTERESTING....that is closer or is it just LIFE?
I decided a few weeks ago that I am interested and committed to starting a cancer survivor program that I've been tossing around in my mind. I'm calling it, for now, Playing in the Dirt -accessing freedom through expressive writing and physical activity. The original idea was about writing and mountain biking and calling it Wride Write but I was too busy during the riding season to create anything. I had a great talk, or so I think, with a doc and presented the idea in it's infant state of design.
I notice that I'm sensitive. No really, it's true. I know it is a shocker. I discussed the idea with a doc about the idea and hosting it and she seemed totally on board (or that is what I heard). I've been going through the process of checking things out with the cancer center to honor their process and not recreate the wheel and when I touched base today with the doc it sounded like they were moving forward without me. I'm sensitive and it was my idea......I was justing looking for support and fertile ground. How do I let this grow without me or just with part of me??? How do I hang on and create what I am committed too with contribution and other ideas? How do I let this infant go as it wants without shutting down as it goes a direction without me?
I've hit the end of my thoughts other than looking at areas in my life where I might be easily shut down by others of myself. I guess that is my next project.
I hope my next post will be about sharing my year in pictures and maybe that I've been chosen as an ambassador for Juliana bicycles . Yes, I actually applied to be an ambassador. It took a lot. I love that they are all about women and supporting cycling. I love the dirt and riding on it! Seems like a great match.
Cheers to a New Year and thanks for all the support during this journey and life itself!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Let's
Let me be honest, I've had tough times
My friend lost a parent this year
Mine, are still living.
My cousin lost a child
It wasn't my mine.
A friend's brother took his own life
My sister lives.
Several friends battle cancer
I'm not in chemo.
My friend died
I wasn't his sister, mother or daughter.
Do I need to spell it out?
Each time broke me down
Etched away at who I am
To be the one I am today
who believed she'd had tough times.
I HAD cancer
I fear it's return.
It made me question everything about myself.
This thing the Doctor sits me down and tells me I have
eats away at my foundation, my beliefs.
The Spanish inquisition is released on my every fiber
My Personality, relationship, nutrition, spirituality all come under fire.
The not knowing what to believe
The pure questioning in itself, painful
The body heals
The energy returns
The mind must be kept in check
I've been off the radar because I've been hiding. I pulled away from my family because the last time they saw me was 5 days out of surgery and to them I'm still that person. My friends have moved on and seem to have forgotten which gives me space. I've hidden long enough to emerge as someone different or someone who never had cancer. Someone who never had body changing surgery. Someone who questions everything that has gotten her here today.
It's been tough but I'm coming out of it. I went off line when my pain became chronic. I returned too soon to work. I was unprepared for how much work and my surgery would drain me so I hid. I fell off the grid and tried to get back on my bike. It didn't help that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer and then had to go through chemo.
Due to pain I had to back off the bike so I hid more. It's like the bike was the true time eraser. I wanted back on!
Then it happened, I starting having less pain, and work starting flowing.
Now I've been off the radar due to riding the bike, and trying to keep up with my wife. No, not a complete time eraser but pretty damn good. Stay tuned for updates moving forward and I'll attempt to get us caught up from the past. I'm still hiding and enjoying spending time with myself.
My friend lost a parent this year
Mine, are still living.
My cousin lost a child
It wasn't my mine.
A friend's brother took his own life
My sister lives.
Several friends battle cancer
I'm not in chemo.
My friend died
I wasn't his sister, mother or daughter.
Do I need to spell it out?
Each time broke me down
Etched away at who I am
To be the one I am today
who believed she'd had tough times.
I HAD cancer
I fear it's return.
It made me question everything about myself.
This thing the Doctor sits me down and tells me I have
eats away at my foundation, my beliefs.
The Spanish inquisition is released on my every fiber
My Personality, relationship, nutrition, spirituality all come under fire.
The not knowing what to believe
The pure questioning in itself, painful
The body heals
The energy returns
The mind must be kept in check
I've been off the radar because I've been hiding. I pulled away from my family because the last time they saw me was 5 days out of surgery and to them I'm still that person. My friends have moved on and seem to have forgotten which gives me space. I've hidden long enough to emerge as someone different or someone who never had cancer. Someone who never had body changing surgery. Someone who questions everything that has gotten her here today.
It's been tough but I'm coming out of it. I went off line when my pain became chronic. I returned too soon to work. I was unprepared for how much work and my surgery would drain me so I hid. I fell off the grid and tried to get back on my bike. It didn't help that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer and then had to go through chemo.
Due to pain I had to back off the bike so I hid more. It's like the bike was the true time eraser. I wanted back on!
Then it happened, I starting having less pain, and work starting flowing.
Now I've been off the radar due to riding the bike, and trying to keep up with my wife. No, not a complete time eraser but pretty damn good. Stay tuned for updates moving forward and I'll attempt to get us caught up from the past. I'm still hiding and enjoying spending time with myself.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Breastie
I post this blog with the title Breastie in honor of a lovely dear friend of mine's birthday. She has nicknamed me her Breastie as we have fallen down a rocky path together called breast cancer. Her 36th birthday is tomorrow and she is two weeks out from her first of four chemo treatments, all to give her a decreased recurrence rate..........this is all I can write on this subject right now.
It has been a while since I posted, all the way back to April 9th. At that point we were just dealing with my chronic discomfort and my friends new diagnosis and surgery. As I was slipping and crawling up to the surface, her diagnosis hit too close to home, shaking my world and allow me to slip further. I know, I fell of the face of blogging world and I'm not ready to be responsible for that yet.
I'm aware of the time and all the things that have occurred since my last post but don't look to this post to bring us up to date. I'm kicking ass and feeling great, by the way. For those of you who did follow my last post, I HAVE seen differences in our two surgeries given the changes in the seasonal energy!
April was a dark time for me and I hope to post on this more soon. The purpose of this blog it to say to someone and therefore be accountable, that I'm back. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my friends birthday as she boldly goes forth into her future. Happy friggin 36th birthday and YES next year we both get redo birthday events! It will happen!
We all have those friends that fade due to geographical changes. Well, to my sadness my Breastie is moving to VT in August after chemo is finished. Life is throwing another opportunity for me to be or act differently than I have in the past....what will I do.
We sat on the front steps today, red wine in hand (you got me drunk by the way), front door wide open pushing swamp cooler air over our shoulders and discussed...life. We discussed, work, passions, education, future, families, food, health and more. We made promises to each other to stay close and discussed where that has fallen out in the past, more apparently on my side than hers. We are now promising to do one race, mountain bike of course, together somewhere in the US each year. We will have this to look forward to and push each other, or lovingly rag, from afar. This blog is a public declaration that we, Breasties, will do one race per year together.
I'm also asking that it be about the bike and not about our history with cancer. We have that as a connection, it is true. Yet I don't want our passion and connection to only come from cancer. We were biking badass buddies before cancer and that is what I will hold on to, not the cancer.
Happy Birthday, I love you and almost can't comprehend you not being within biking distance and that tonight might be the last time we will get to hand out in a long while......sad face. But I'm ok, right....on to the next subject:) enough of that as you would say.
To all my friends I've lost contact with due to geographical positioning, it happens, now what are we going to do about it? I know you all are close to me in my heart and I'd do anything for you but I miss your voices, your touches, your ever relentless pushing for the next thing. What promises do we need to make....and keep?
It has been a while since I posted, all the way back to April 9th. At that point we were just dealing with my chronic discomfort and my friends new diagnosis and surgery. As I was slipping and crawling up to the surface, her diagnosis hit too close to home, shaking my world and allow me to slip further. I know, I fell of the face of blogging world and I'm not ready to be responsible for that yet.
I'm aware of the time and all the things that have occurred since my last post but don't look to this post to bring us up to date. I'm kicking ass and feeling great, by the way. For those of you who did follow my last post, I HAVE seen differences in our two surgeries given the changes in the seasonal energy!
April was a dark time for me and I hope to post on this more soon. The purpose of this blog it to say to someone and therefore be accountable, that I'm back. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my friends birthday as she boldly goes forth into her future. Happy friggin 36th birthday and YES next year we both get redo birthday events! It will happen!
We all have those friends that fade due to geographical changes. Well, to my sadness my Breastie is moving to VT in August after chemo is finished. Life is throwing another opportunity for me to be or act differently than I have in the past....what will I do.
We sat on the front steps today, red wine in hand (you got me drunk by the way), front door wide open pushing swamp cooler air over our shoulders and discussed...life. We discussed, work, passions, education, future, families, food, health and more. We made promises to each other to stay close and discussed where that has fallen out in the past, more apparently on my side than hers. We are now promising to do one race, mountain bike of course, together somewhere in the US each year. We will have this to look forward to and push each other, or lovingly rag, from afar. This blog is a public declaration that we, Breasties, will do one race per year together.
I'm also asking that it be about the bike and not about our history with cancer. We have that as a connection, it is true. Yet I don't want our passion and connection to only come from cancer. We were biking badass buddies before cancer and that is what I will hold on to, not the cancer.
Happy Birthday, I love you and almost can't comprehend you not being within biking distance and that tonight might be the last time we will get to hand out in a long while......sad face. But I'm ok, right....on to the next subject:) enough of that as you would say.
To all my friends I've lost contact with due to geographical positioning, it happens, now what are we going to do about it? I know you all are close to me in my heart and I'd do anything for you but I miss your voices, your touches, your ever relentless pushing for the next thing. What promises do we need to make....and keep?
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Kapha
It's spring, in case you didn't notice. This means we are coming out of winter and bringing with it a possible excess of kapha energy.
Kapha energy is grounding, yet if we have too much guess what. Instead of returned vitality of growth and spring buds we get sludge. Increased phlem, depression and more.
We need Kapha energy to lubricate our joints as we jump up and hit the dirt with spring in our teeth. Yet if we don't honor it we will end up with an imbalance that feels like cement chains holding us down.
Careful, don't invite lightness and loftyness into your life otherwise Vata will rule. No way you will be able to choose or have smooth joints to jump if she gets out of balance.
Why isn't it easy? Seeds seem to do it so naturally. They seem to effortlessly jump from mother earth with the energy to tackle life. They aren't weighing the doshas with such calculation, as I.
My pita has puttered, my kapha and Vata battle it out like a prize MMA fighter...with me as the under weight contender.
Depression, sinus sludge and self loathing are abundant, for me. Not sprigs of growth, wonder and change. I'm healing from the dreaded C word and prepping for a best friend to tackle the dreaded C. How will her surgery and healing be different given the ayurvedic seasons? Hers done in the changing light of spring while mine was in the darkness of winter?? Or another way to say it...hers in the height of Vata and mine during Kapha? Yes, I know it's not that simple.
I'm told the difference will be the distinction between sukah and dukha and no those aren't planets in the republic. They are the difference between good and bad space. Well duh.
No really, as cynical as I am it's about balancing through poses(asana) breath and more. Breath is referred to as pranayama or often known as life force.
If interested please look into the different asanas and pranayama techniques for balancing your over or under abundance of Kapha.
I myself am going to figure out how to listen to my body and my past knowledge to create a happy balance. It seems impossible but that has to be my excess Kapha talking.
Right now I've added in acupuncture, massage, manual lymph drainage, mountain biking, kinesio taping, ART, a bit of alcohol(not suggested) and self love in an attempt to find a middle point in which I might feel empowered. This list doesn't count for the asana, breathing and food which I've yet figured out how to sprout into my daily life, versus my mental life.
It's spring, get after it! Even if you feel like you can't! The knowledge and assistance are out there! Let the death and dying of mother nature's winter feed your soul!
Create a goal and hold on to it as if your life depends, because it does. Then, get a bigger problem than you, and you will find the flow.
Kapha energy is grounding, yet if we have too much guess what. Instead of returned vitality of growth and spring buds we get sludge. Increased phlem, depression and more.
We need Kapha energy to lubricate our joints as we jump up and hit the dirt with spring in our teeth. Yet if we don't honor it we will end up with an imbalance that feels like cement chains holding us down.
Careful, don't invite lightness and loftyness into your life otherwise Vata will rule. No way you will be able to choose or have smooth joints to jump if she gets out of balance.
Why isn't it easy? Seeds seem to do it so naturally. They seem to effortlessly jump from mother earth with the energy to tackle life. They aren't weighing the doshas with such calculation, as I.
My pita has puttered, my kapha and Vata battle it out like a prize MMA fighter...with me as the under weight contender.
Depression, sinus sludge and self loathing are abundant, for me. Not sprigs of growth, wonder and change. I'm healing from the dreaded C word and prepping for a best friend to tackle the dreaded C. How will her surgery and healing be different given the ayurvedic seasons? Hers done in the changing light of spring while mine was in the darkness of winter?? Or another way to say it...hers in the height of Vata and mine during Kapha? Yes, I know it's not that simple.
I'm told the difference will be the distinction between sukah and dukha and no those aren't planets in the republic. They are the difference between good and bad space. Well duh.
No really, as cynical as I am it's about balancing through poses(asana) breath and more. Breath is referred to as pranayama or often known as life force.
If interested please look into the different asanas and pranayama techniques for balancing your over or under abundance of Kapha.
I myself am going to figure out how to listen to my body and my past knowledge to create a happy balance. It seems impossible but that has to be my excess Kapha talking.
Right now I've added in acupuncture, massage, manual lymph drainage, mountain biking, kinesio taping, ART, a bit of alcohol(not suggested) and self love in an attempt to find a middle point in which I might feel empowered. This list doesn't count for the asana, breathing and food which I've yet figured out how to sprout into my daily life, versus my mental life.
It's spring, get after it! Even if you feel like you can't! The knowledge and assistance are out there! Let the death and dying of mother nature's winter feed your soul!
Create a goal and hold on to it as if your life depends, because it does. Then, get a bigger problem than you, and you will find the flow.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Really?
In a few hours it will be three months....who the F" cares.
I'd almost forgotten.
The past week seems like a dream.
I've changed to dayshift, with it, I've doubled my energy.
I spent the week working, touring to a hut trip and biking...
basically, tiring due to something other than work! Yeah!!
screech, scrape, crash and burn
Wow, really!
Life- I've been listening to you, really I have.
Life is precious and I know it.
Life is something to be honored.
Life- have you not been listening to me? really?
Work clock strikes 06:53
time to clock in and something is wrong.
Yesterday was fine, am I just tired?
nothing is going well at work, why?
screech, scrape, crash and burn
How do I say it? How do I express it?
WTF, really? I've been listening, really I have.
Life, what are you communicating?
I must not be listening.
One of my strong branches broke today!
News no one wishes to hear!
Life, how can you not honor her roots after such support given?
How can you build her up so much, with no concern of the fall.
Cancer, we are tired of you!
Go away and never come back!
Leave my roots and branches alone!
I am sad and heavy at heart. I can't believe that on the eve of three months which should be a celebration sadness settles in as a fog.
Trapped at work today when all I wanted was to fly!
Contribution felt by people, yet not those I wished!
Four today deal with a challenge in life and my heart goes out to them.
Life.....I know it is precious....what do you want me to get?
Today, I cross into three months of healing after a cancer diagnosis. Today I deal with others loss which is mine all the same. A close friend lost a child to be today and another heard news no one should hear, you have cancer. Really?
Hug someone! Cuz either you or they need it!
Not edited or rethought....please excuse.
I'd almost forgotten.
The past week seems like a dream.
I've changed to dayshift, with it, I've doubled my energy.
I spent the week working, touring to a hut trip and biking...
basically, tiring due to something other than work! Yeah!!
screech, scrape, crash and burn
Wow, really!
Life- I've been listening to you, really I have.
Life is precious and I know it.
Life is something to be honored.
Life- have you not been listening to me? really?
Work clock strikes 06:53
time to clock in and something is wrong.
Yesterday was fine, am I just tired?
nothing is going well at work, why?
screech, scrape, crash and burn
How do I say it? How do I express it?
WTF, really? I've been listening, really I have.
Life, what are you communicating?
I must not be listening.
One of my strong branches broke today!
News no one wishes to hear!
Life, how can you not honor her roots after such support given?
How can you build her up so much, with no concern of the fall.
Cancer, we are tired of you!
Go away and never come back!
Leave my roots and branches alone!
I am sad and heavy at heart. I can't believe that on the eve of three months which should be a celebration sadness settles in as a fog.
Trapped at work today when all I wanted was to fly!
Contribution felt by people, yet not those I wished!
Four today deal with a challenge in life and my heart goes out to them.
Life.....I know it is precious....what do you want me to get?
Today, I cross into three months of healing after a cancer diagnosis. Today I deal with others loss which is mine all the same. A close friend lost a child to be today and another heard news no one should hear, you have cancer. Really?
Hug someone! Cuz either you or they need it!
Not edited or rethought....please excuse.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Post Op - 2 months
I had planned this really cool post for my two month post but instead I've been outdoors playing in the dirt, snow and sun. Oh and don't forget I'm back to work which is kicking my butt. I did work on a resource section that will be an ever growing creature and got it posted today....
So this is my two month post!
It's been two months
Wholly Cow!
It feels like it has been forever.
It's only been two months
jeepers creepers!
I'm not back to 100%, but
I'm going in the right direction.
It's been two months-
since a bilateral mastectomy-
You have to be kidding me!
I can't wait for the next two months to pass this slow
Cuz I'll only have one more month of training left
before the Gunny Growler....YEEK
Jeepers Creepers
It's been two months!
That is all I have time to say
as the sun rays call me forth.
I have to get outside!
It's been two months
and I'm alive and loved!
So this is my two month post!
It's been two months
Wholly Cow!
It feels like it has been forever.
It's only been two months
jeepers creepers!
I'm not back to 100%, but
I'm going in the right direction.
It's been two months-
since a bilateral mastectomy-
You have to be kidding me!
I can't wait for the next two months to pass this slow
Cuz I'll only have one more month of training left
before the Gunny Growler....YEEK
Jeepers Creepers
It's been two months!
That is all I have time to say
as the sun rays call me forth.
I have to get outside!
It's been two months
and I'm alive and loved!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Perfect Ride
After rehabbing from my work schedule, a whopping one night shift in a row, it is time to get outside. I must get out because the sun is going to shine today. Plus I'll have a few days to recover before my next night shift. I checked the weather, sun today, and choose my sport; mountain bike ride.
I packed the truck with my ride companions. Our dogs, Johnny and Basil and my new companion. I've had this companion for two months now. Lets call my new companion Pmit (pressure, muscle irritation, tourniquet).
Outfitting myself these days has been challenging and sometimes takes a bit. Instead of leaving the house looking cool I look as if I won't be back for days with bags stuffed with various outfits and things. Yes- Things. Things I might or might not need! Today's outfit consisted of the following:
Bike shorts and Vest from my old racing kit (since my girth is outside normal cool mbt clothes)
WarmFront Chest warmer(1/4 of the way through the ride it gets turned around and flys out like a cape)
Standard affair (bike shoes, Gloves, Glasses and Helmet)
Saddle bag (not up for wearing a backpack yet)
One arm warmer (just to keep my companion happy)
At first I just roll out on the frontage road with my four legged companions and of course Pmit is right there as well. The plan is to give the dogs a run and see how the trails are on this fine february day. I'm feeling a bit slow and head back to the truck to drop off my companions.
Next, there is no plan but go explore and maybe hit up Rustler's if it is dry. As I rolled past Mary's loop I looked up and said boy I wish. Then I rolled back around and said why not give it a try. As I'm pedaling I'm quite surprised that I can keep going. Then as I'm hitting the first break on the hill a guy facing down hill says I wish I was that strong. Wow if he only knew, pops across my brain quickly followed by what are you talking about. Then a friend rolls past me and I yell his name which is clearly not heard over the blaring mind focusing tunes. I hop back on and chase after him, I kept up with him until the first large step up and then had to let him go. Yet it felt good, hard but good. I am shocked and stunned. I keep going...
I keep waiting for my turn around point, it must be around the corner. This is the first "real" mountain bike ride I've had for a long time. In a couple of days I'll be 2 months out from my surgery. Crazy!
I kept pedaling. The mind, heart, lungs and legs never voicing a negative opinion. Only my trusty companion, that I was unable to leave back at the truck with the dogs, hinted with each mile that maybe this was too much. Then I'd clear an obstacle or catch the view of the Colorado River and keep going.
As I approached the last hill climb, I had energy in my legs, and the laughter and tears ensued. I soon had to clear my eyes to avoid obtaining any Thai Tattoo's. Road Rash will forever be called this thanks to +Jesse Lanci and +Kate Graham's recent trip to Thailand.
I'm left smiling, sore, happy and ready for more! Now I must balance getting time on that new snowboard and getting dirt between my teeth.
Healing is a process and I hope that through this process I find more power than I lost!
I packed the truck with my ride companions. Our dogs, Johnny and Basil and my new companion. I've had this companion for two months now. Lets call my new companion Pmit (pressure, muscle irritation, tourniquet).
Outfitting myself these days has been challenging and sometimes takes a bit. Instead of leaving the house looking cool I look as if I won't be back for days with bags stuffed with various outfits and things. Yes- Things. Things I might or might not need! Today's outfit consisted of the following:
Bike shorts and Vest from my old racing kit (since my girth is outside normal cool mbt clothes)
WarmFront Chest warmer(1/4 of the way through the ride it gets turned around and flys out like a cape)
Standard affair (bike shoes, Gloves, Glasses and Helmet)
Saddle bag (not up for wearing a backpack yet)
One arm warmer (just to keep my companion happy)
At first I just roll out on the frontage road with my four legged companions and of course Pmit is right there as well. The plan is to give the dogs a run and see how the trails are on this fine february day. I'm feeling a bit slow and head back to the truck to drop off my companions.
Next, there is no plan but go explore and maybe hit up Rustler's if it is dry. As I rolled past Mary's loop I looked up and said boy I wish. Then I rolled back around and said why not give it a try. As I'm pedaling I'm quite surprised that I can keep going. Then as I'm hitting the first break on the hill a guy facing down hill says I wish I was that strong. Wow if he only knew, pops across my brain quickly followed by what are you talking about. Then a friend rolls past me and I yell his name which is clearly not heard over the blaring mind focusing tunes. I hop back on and chase after him, I kept up with him until the first large step up and then had to let him go. Yet it felt good, hard but good. I am shocked and stunned. I keep going...
I keep waiting for my turn around point, it must be around the corner. This is the first "real" mountain bike ride I've had for a long time. In a couple of days I'll be 2 months out from my surgery. Crazy!
I kept pedaling. The mind, heart, lungs and legs never voicing a negative opinion. Only my trusty companion, that I was unable to leave back at the truck with the dogs, hinted with each mile that maybe this was too much. Then I'd clear an obstacle or catch the view of the Colorado River and keep going.
As I approached the last hill climb, I had energy in my legs, and the laughter and tears ensued. I soon had to clear my eyes to avoid obtaining any Thai Tattoo's. Road Rash will forever be called this thanks to +Jesse Lanci and +Kate Graham's recent trip to Thailand.
I'm left smiling, sore, happy and ready for more! Now I must balance getting time on that new snowboard and getting dirt between my teeth.
Healing is a process and I hope that through this process I find more power than I lost!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
No thought
As I settle into my spot on the couch, my spot that has formed to me over the past 7+weeks, I wait. I wait for thoughts, feelings, epiphanies, energy, release, sorrow, longing or anything other than the current lacking in the latter.
I've shuffled my ever so energetic Wife off to work the night shift, with a freshly made Caffe Americano in hand and I settle in. I'm surrounded by animals who have resigned themselves that This One, the one in front of them, will offer no entertainment tonight. The most entertainment they hope to see is possibly a bit of enthusiasm from the couch as Shaun White makes an attempt for his third medal in the Halfpipe. Yet if the dogs had checked their twitter account they would know that won't even happen because Shaun doesn't medal!
Wow I can't even imagine what Shaun might be going through right now. I can't even feel what I am going through right now. It almost makes my situation, held in private, seem so much more manageable vs his viewed by greater than 25 million people. Really just so you know this addition of olympics and Shaun White just happened as I was writing and grasping for something to feel.
I feel low and don't know how to feel about that. Is it ok or am I making it wrong. I don't think I'm making it wrong. I seriously just think it's hard to start to feel better and be brought down by things I use to do on a regular basis. I know I'm gaining strength and endurance it just isn't what I'm use to, which I guess is why the void in feeling.
I went back to work last night. Yep, first shift back to work since 12/17/13! No breakdowns occurred but really it ended up not being a normal night, which is probably a blessing. I showed up to work and no one knew I was going to be there! Just a simple scheduling oups which might have worked out for all parties. Due to this error and the short staffing situation I didn't carry my own patient load but instead assisted on the floor where needed. The point of this?
Well, as I started this post you will remember I've settled into my spot on the couch with my second hot toddy of the night. I'm wiped and it wasn't even a normal shift. I'm not saying it is a good or a bad thing, it just is, which I think bothers me more. I don't know what I expected.
I'm healing! That is awesome! Yet its hard to know when to push and when to be ok with the current flow of energy. I must let you in on a bit of a secret, I'm hard on myself. I know it is a shocker!
What I haven't told you is that yesterday wasn't just about work, staying up all night, critically thinking as a nurse, reliving my illness with co-workers or plain ole surviving night shift. Over the past week+ I've been feeling good enough to get out and play. That play of choice has been forced by mother natures hand which delivered over two+ feet of fresh powder in the past week. My snowboarding curve has gone from excitement to get out, muscle memory finding out that movements just aren't there as previous, falls, cries and encouragement by my amazing wife.
Let me step back a bit. Last season I sold all my back country gear with the hope of buying a new set up this year. I even bought a season pass to Powderhorn. I haven't had a season pass for years! When my diagnosis occurred I waffled back and forth about turning in my pass for a refund and settling to miss this season all together. A friend let me use her slope board so I could just get out. I was so excited on my first day that my body settled in and hit the slopes with a smile that ended up with snow it in. Yep I hit the deck...softly. It didn't matter how soft I hit, I still hit the ground. I hit the ground on a turn that should have caused no problems, in the past. I gathered myself up and continued for a whopping three runs! Of course for days after I felt like I had fractured a rib, did I mention I hit the deck softly? It was a simple over carve resulting in a layout on the toe side.
The next time we went out there was more powder! Yes, amazing, more powder. This should be awesome. My body once again returned to what it knows best....not. After realizing the body could not do what was needed a breakdown occurred. My amazing partner gathered me up and reminding me of how proud she was and that I was loved. After a brief moment in the lodge with healing sweet potato fries and a shared beer lower angle fun was attempted. I was determined to beat this AND smile while being out in the powder.
So if you have lost track that is two times out so far on the board in the past one and a half weeks. Well, there has been more, of course. I went out with a few peeps last Friday and while I still struggled, I had fun. These days out and seeing the progression got me thinking. Why do I have to kiss this season good bye just because of a major surgery? So, after breaking through my I have to be responsible personality I splurged! Come on, of course I was still responsible. I placed my medical bills on a low payment plan to decrease the monthly reminder of the past and be responsible in the same hand. Then, with the assistance from an early birthday present I bought it! I bought a new back country set up! A Storm splitboard by Venture out of Silverton Colorado.
The point? It's all rehab. Even the drive over to Frisco Colorado to purchase the board from it's past owner was rehab. But then, it happened! Comfort, smiles, enthusiasm, powder sprayed, no falls, giggles that were heard by no one, and the excitement of progression. The board and I went out and played in the powder, again, and I felt good. With smiles broad and energy flying from the successful trip out on the board I headed home to take a nap to prep for my first night back to work.
Pause. Have you put it all together yet? I'm just putting it together as I write so congrats if you are ahead of me. I'm hard on myself. I was excited to see my progression and to feel good through the board. Now I am back where I started because I've gone to work and the old muscle memory won't cut it. I have to go into things with a new, and I don't want to. I hate the waiting and the progression to get back to where I was. I want to be above where I was. I wanted to be stronger than I was. That was my plan. Planning to be healthy and go into the biking season stronger than when I left. That isn't the case for anything I take on these days. I will be behind and that is the challenge these days. The challenge of being ok where ever I am and acknowledging how far I've come on all stages not just the current one.
Now I settle back into my spot with a bit more ease than when I started this post. It's ok that I'm tired. I'm not use to working nights let alone doing a sport before work. I'm getting better and that which accelerates me is also what holds me back.
I've shuffled my ever so energetic Wife off to work the night shift, with a freshly made Caffe Americano in hand and I settle in. I'm surrounded by animals who have resigned themselves that This One, the one in front of them, will offer no entertainment tonight. The most entertainment they hope to see is possibly a bit of enthusiasm from the couch as Shaun White makes an attempt for his third medal in the Halfpipe. Yet if the dogs had checked their twitter account they would know that won't even happen because Shaun doesn't medal!
Wow I can't even imagine what Shaun might be going through right now. I can't even feel what I am going through right now. It almost makes my situation, held in private, seem so much more manageable vs his viewed by greater than 25 million people. Really just so you know this addition of olympics and Shaun White just happened as I was writing and grasping for something to feel.
I feel low and don't know how to feel about that. Is it ok or am I making it wrong. I don't think I'm making it wrong. I seriously just think it's hard to start to feel better and be brought down by things I use to do on a regular basis. I know I'm gaining strength and endurance it just isn't what I'm use to, which I guess is why the void in feeling.
I went back to work last night. Yep, first shift back to work since 12/17/13! No breakdowns occurred but really it ended up not being a normal night, which is probably a blessing. I showed up to work and no one knew I was going to be there! Just a simple scheduling oups which might have worked out for all parties. Due to this error and the short staffing situation I didn't carry my own patient load but instead assisted on the floor where needed. The point of this?
Well, as I started this post you will remember I've settled into my spot on the couch with my second hot toddy of the night. I'm wiped and it wasn't even a normal shift. I'm not saying it is a good or a bad thing, it just is, which I think bothers me more. I don't know what I expected.
I'm healing! That is awesome! Yet its hard to know when to push and when to be ok with the current flow of energy. I must let you in on a bit of a secret, I'm hard on myself. I know it is a shocker!
What I haven't told you is that yesterday wasn't just about work, staying up all night, critically thinking as a nurse, reliving my illness with co-workers or plain ole surviving night shift. Over the past week+ I've been feeling good enough to get out and play. That play of choice has been forced by mother natures hand which delivered over two+ feet of fresh powder in the past week. My snowboarding curve has gone from excitement to get out, muscle memory finding out that movements just aren't there as previous, falls, cries and encouragement by my amazing wife.
Let me step back a bit. Last season I sold all my back country gear with the hope of buying a new set up this year. I even bought a season pass to Powderhorn. I haven't had a season pass for years! When my diagnosis occurred I waffled back and forth about turning in my pass for a refund and settling to miss this season all together. A friend let me use her slope board so I could just get out. I was so excited on my first day that my body settled in and hit the slopes with a smile that ended up with snow it in. Yep I hit the deck...softly. It didn't matter how soft I hit, I still hit the ground. I hit the ground on a turn that should have caused no problems, in the past. I gathered myself up and continued for a whopping three runs! Of course for days after I felt like I had fractured a rib, did I mention I hit the deck softly? It was a simple over carve resulting in a layout on the toe side.
The next time we went out there was more powder! Yes, amazing, more powder. This should be awesome. My body once again returned to what it knows best....not. After realizing the body could not do what was needed a breakdown occurred. My amazing partner gathered me up and reminding me of how proud she was and that I was loved. After a brief moment in the lodge with healing sweet potato fries and a shared beer lower angle fun was attempted. I was determined to beat this AND smile while being out in the powder.
So if you have lost track that is two times out so far on the board in the past one and a half weeks. Well, there has been more, of course. I went out with a few peeps last Friday and while I still struggled, I had fun. These days out and seeing the progression got me thinking. Why do I have to kiss this season good bye just because of a major surgery? So, after breaking through my I have to be responsible personality I splurged! Come on, of course I was still responsible. I placed my medical bills on a low payment plan to decrease the monthly reminder of the past and be responsible in the same hand. Then, with the assistance from an early birthday present I bought it! I bought a new back country set up! A Storm splitboard by Venture out of Silverton Colorado.
The point? It's all rehab. Even the drive over to Frisco Colorado to purchase the board from it's past owner was rehab. But then, it happened! Comfort, smiles, enthusiasm, powder sprayed, no falls, giggles that were heard by no one, and the excitement of progression. The board and I went out and played in the powder, again, and I felt good. With smiles broad and energy flying from the successful trip out on the board I headed home to take a nap to prep for my first night back to work.
Pause. Have you put it all together yet? I'm just putting it together as I write so congrats if you are ahead of me. I'm hard on myself. I was excited to see my progression and to feel good through the board. Now I am back where I started because I've gone to work and the old muscle memory won't cut it. I have to go into things with a new, and I don't want to. I hate the waiting and the progression to get back to where I was. I want to be above where I was. I wanted to be stronger than I was. That was my plan. Planning to be healthy and go into the biking season stronger than when I left. That isn't the case for anything I take on these days. I will be behind and that is the challenge these days. The challenge of being ok where ever I am and acknowledging how far I've come on all stages not just the current one.
Now I settle back into my spot with a bit more ease than when I started this post. It's ok that I'm tired. I'm not use to working nights let alone doing a sport before work. I'm getting better and that which accelerates me is also what holds me back.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
The Key
No matter what,
it doesn't matter.
No matter the -
analyzation, advice, hindsight, should nots, wishing, knowledge, pushing, pulling, crying, screaming, gathered information, theories applied, altered patterns, food eaten or avoided, where you wanted to be, where you were going...
It is what it is.
Even the knowing -
No matter what you do it will be what it is
won't help.
The internal struggle or external struggle
matters not -
It will be what it is
Nothing matters -
nothing will change
This is where I'm at -
Where I'm at won't change
no matter what -
It is what it is.
Knowing I'm on a rats wheel
won't change
that I'm still going in circles -
It won't matter.
Nothing will alter the
current course or where I am right now-
It is what it is.
Pure acceptance
will change you and your perspective.
You will still be where you are
Nothing will change that,
but you will change.
Now I'm in my cage
knowing that I'm running circles -
No matter where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do,
will change.
I run for acceptance -
a fleeting and brief peace occurs, as
I close in on my prey.
It sounded so soft and fluffy,
this prey.
Achievable and easy.
Come on, really, this is all I have to do -
Accept where I am?
It seems so easy.
No matter -
my gaming skills, the fleeting thought that I'm sneaky, the speed at which I can run, my cunning wits, Yoga, Meditation, writing, napping, affirmations, therapy, cancer surviver books, confirmations, acknowledgment of how far I've come and where I'm at now….
Makes my prey no easier to catch!!!!
it doesn't matter.
No matter the -
analyzation, advice, hindsight, should nots, wishing, knowledge, pushing, pulling, crying, screaming, gathered information, theories applied, altered patterns, food eaten or avoided, where you wanted to be, where you were going...
It is what it is.
Even the knowing -
No matter what you do it will be what it is
won't help.
The internal struggle or external struggle
matters not -
It will be what it is
Nothing matters -
nothing will change
This is where I'm at -
Where I'm at won't change
no matter what -
It is what it is.
Knowing I'm on a rats wheel
won't change
that I'm still going in circles -
It won't matter.
Nothing will alter the
current course or where I am right now-
It is what it is.
Pure acceptance
will change you and your perspective.
You will still be where you are
Nothing will change that,
but you will change.
Now I'm in my cage
knowing that I'm running circles -
No matter where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do,
will change.
I run for acceptance -
a fleeting and brief peace occurs, as
I close in on my prey.
It sounded so soft and fluffy,
this prey.
Achievable and easy.
Come on, really, this is all I have to do -
Accept where I am?
It seems so easy.
No matter -
my gaming skills, the fleeting thought that I'm sneaky, the speed at which I can run, my cunning wits, Yoga, Meditation, writing, napping, affirmations, therapy, cancer surviver books, confirmations, acknowledgment of how far I've come and where I'm at now….
Makes my prey no easier to catch!!!!
Monday, January 20, 2014
I Promised...
This post has been rattling around inside me for 30 days now. I told you that I would communicate my thoughts on boobies and I've not lied but at this point it can't all be expressed, sorted, and made pretty with bows on top. Whether this is for the woman, the man or society itself I'm clear there is a ton of sexuality, femininity, beauty and the ability to be sexy currently wrapped up in the boob. Even the term you might use to describe the female breast varies as much as the shape they come in…
Cantaloupes
Boulders
Boobies
Glands
Grapefruits
Honkers
Hooters
Tits
Titties
Bosom
Highbeams
Tatas
Mellons
Rack
Nips
Knockers
Women's secret Source of Power
Should I continue???? I think not but feel free to add to the list, day dream or move on but no touching.
I'm clear I still have no idea how my breasts defined me and now have a new relationship to develop (couldn't avoid that one). My scars I will have to learn to love, imbrace and dress up just as I did with my breasts. I will need to learn new definitions, stories and gain empowerment from my current remodeled body.
Instead of this post being about my view on to have or not have breasts I decided to have some fun. Too much seriousness around this subject. I hope you find the love, admiration and fun that I do.
During my Month I have had many of people share their tata begone dance but not all of those people agreed for me to share what they shared. Probably because I forgot to ask but all the same those are just for me. I did have a group of six women who decided to have a very empowering day painting up their boobies for me! Yep all for me! Ok maybe it was for themselves as well but come on.
I've been given permission to share their pics as long as no identification is given and faces are not shared. I smiled, cried and laughed when my friend shared the pics with me. This woman decided to honor my journey by sharing it with other ladies and creating art. These women took it on and moved it into a journey of their own. A journey of self love and acknowledgement. I have incorporated my own self love and acknowledgement into this slideshow as well. If the slide show does not show up below you can use this link to view the slideshow on tatas .
Cantaloupes
Boulders
Boobies
Glands
Grapefruits
Honkers
Hooters
Tits
Titties
Bosom
Highbeams
Tatas
Mellons
Rack
Nips
Knockers
Women's secret Source of Power
Should I continue???? I think not but feel free to add to the list, day dream or move on but no touching.
I'm clear I still have no idea how my breasts defined me and now have a new relationship to develop (couldn't avoid that one). My scars I will have to learn to love, imbrace and dress up just as I did with my breasts. I will need to learn new definitions, stories and gain empowerment from my current remodeled body.
Instead of this post being about my view on to have or not have breasts I decided to have some fun. Too much seriousness around this subject. I hope you find the love, admiration and fun that I do.
During my Month I have had many of people share their tata begone dance but not all of those people agreed for me to share what they shared. Probably because I forgot to ask but all the same those are just for me. I did have a group of six women who decided to have a very empowering day painting up their boobies for me! Yep all for me! Ok maybe it was for themselves as well but come on.
I've been given permission to share their pics as long as no identification is given and faces are not shared. I smiled, cried and laughed when my friend shared the pics with me. This woman decided to honor my journey by sharing it with other ladies and creating art. These women took it on and moved it into a journey of their own. A journey of self love and acknowledgement. I have incorporated my own self love and acknowledgement into this slideshow as well. If the slide show does not show up below you can use this link to view the slideshow on tatas .
Time Flies?
My mind is spinning a bit which makes starting a new post difficult but I say we give it a try anyway.
One month has snuck by since I underwent surgery for a Bilateral Mastectomy with sentinel node dissection which occurred during early afternoon on 12/20/13. I'm healing, all at different paces but I am healing my physical, emotional and mental body. Each one has proven to have very different challenges and needs. I can tell you that I've not done this alone and could not have done this alone. The community has played a vital part during this past month and I'm sure it will be the same in the coming months. Thank you so so much. I'm glad to say there are too many of you to thank personally in this blog. If you are reading this blog then you are one of those nameless people.
I have holes in my timeline and memory but I'm sure if you interviewed my Wife she would say that wasn't anything new. To intervene in these gaps I've moved all my get well cards into our office and sat and read them during a non-narcotic high. It has been utterly amazing at how many people have shown up in our lives. What I mean by showing up is that they became visible that they are in my life and not just during the kick ass adventures. Hmm I guess this was an ass kicking adventure. People showed up via personal phone calls, cards, amazing packages of joy sent via post of dropped at our door, christmas shopping completed for my wife to insure she had something to open, emails of love and advice, meals cooked, parties thrown, kitchens cleaned, showers given, hair washed, clothes removed, fluid drained, time spent, miles driven, laughs caused, tears wiped, follow up texts/calls, meditations given and phone calls taken at all hours. During this process I've even been given insight. Insight into where I have not shown up for my friends and family in the past. I just received a box of joy from a long time friend +Shelly and we had an amazing conversation where we discussed my lacking of show during her transition of the loss of her father. Truly amazing call and love shared during this call of admitting what was lacking. I say pick your head up and see where you need to show up and go do it.
It is amazing at how much information there is out in the world that can overwhelm and or inform at the same time. I feel there are plenty of things that I could have been told that would have helped me down this journey and I hope my blog will be that for others. One of my recent tidbits given to me by a lovely friend, +Sharon, about wearing a tight top to assist the Lymph to learn a new path might just change my recovery speed. I've been having pain in my right side that the MD isn't relieving through advice or meds. The best description I have is that it is like having a tourniquet from the top of my peck under my arm and up to the top of my scapula. Remember timing and knowledge always play a factor but I was not told this advice by my MD. Sharon shared that her OT told her to wear tight tops to lovingly convince the lymph to flow. I say lovingly because I tried tight things early on and the pain was too much under that darn right arm. This week I received a love box from +Sara Rice with a new top and guess what? It fits tight so I wouldn't wear it. After my advice I went and grabbed that tight top and wiggled into it. Last night was the first night that by the end of the day I didn't want to dig into my arm and find a find a pressure release valve. When I woke this morning I performed the same ritual of wiggling into the tight top with pleasure! Tomorrow I start PT and can't wait for new info to change my course on this long road of healing.
My point is, during a process like this you will get lots of peoples views/advice/suggestions/hints/support and I suggest that you try it on for size and see how it fits. No matter how the information comes across your radar screen just try it on for size and if it fits keep it and if it doesn't, leave it for another time because who knows it might fit later.
If this post seems to drop off a cliff and it felt it should have gone somewhere else I apologize because I lost my train of thought. I'm healing and starting to see progress which makes me feel good. It's been a while since I felt progress. I exhausted myself last week traveling to Denver to see my dad who was once again in ICU and was worried I would never see progress. I survived the week driving up and down I-25, my dad is healing and facing a longer recovery than me. I told him that we make a pair but I don't think it made him laugh like it did me.
One month down and here is to a healthier time and healing hand over fist. I look forward to getting stronger and the upcoming biking season. I still hope to get in some powder days. Funny or not so funny that this is the first season that I've bought a season pass in over a decade. Oh well…
I know I've promised you all my post on boobies and it is coming!
One month has snuck by since I underwent surgery for a Bilateral Mastectomy with sentinel node dissection which occurred during early afternoon on 12/20/13. I'm healing, all at different paces but I am healing my physical, emotional and mental body. Each one has proven to have very different challenges and needs. I can tell you that I've not done this alone and could not have done this alone. The community has played a vital part during this past month and I'm sure it will be the same in the coming months. Thank you so so much. I'm glad to say there are too many of you to thank personally in this blog. If you are reading this blog then you are one of those nameless people.
I have holes in my timeline and memory but I'm sure if you interviewed my Wife she would say that wasn't anything new. To intervene in these gaps I've moved all my get well cards into our office and sat and read them during a non-narcotic high. It has been utterly amazing at how many people have shown up in our lives. What I mean by showing up is that they became visible that they are in my life and not just during the kick ass adventures. Hmm I guess this was an ass kicking adventure. People showed up via personal phone calls, cards, amazing packages of joy sent via post of dropped at our door, christmas shopping completed for my wife to insure she had something to open, emails of love and advice, meals cooked, parties thrown, kitchens cleaned, showers given, hair washed, clothes removed, fluid drained, time spent, miles driven, laughs caused, tears wiped, follow up texts/calls, meditations given and phone calls taken at all hours. During this process I've even been given insight. Insight into where I have not shown up for my friends and family in the past. I just received a box of joy from a long time friend +Shelly and we had an amazing conversation where we discussed my lacking of show during her transition of the loss of her father. Truly amazing call and love shared during this call of admitting what was lacking. I say pick your head up and see where you need to show up and go do it.
It is amazing at how much information there is out in the world that can overwhelm and or inform at the same time. I feel there are plenty of things that I could have been told that would have helped me down this journey and I hope my blog will be that for others. One of my recent tidbits given to me by a lovely friend, +Sharon, about wearing a tight top to assist the Lymph to learn a new path might just change my recovery speed. I've been having pain in my right side that the MD isn't relieving through advice or meds. The best description I have is that it is like having a tourniquet from the top of my peck under my arm and up to the top of my scapula. Remember timing and knowledge always play a factor but I was not told this advice by my MD. Sharon shared that her OT told her to wear tight tops to lovingly convince the lymph to flow. I say lovingly because I tried tight things early on and the pain was too much under that darn right arm. This week I received a love box from +Sara Rice with a new top and guess what? It fits tight so I wouldn't wear it. After my advice I went and grabbed that tight top and wiggled into it. Last night was the first night that by the end of the day I didn't want to dig into my arm and find a find a pressure release valve. When I woke this morning I performed the same ritual of wiggling into the tight top with pleasure! Tomorrow I start PT and can't wait for new info to change my course on this long road of healing.
My point is, during a process like this you will get lots of peoples views/advice/suggestions/hints/support and I suggest that you try it on for size and see how it fits. No matter how the information comes across your radar screen just try it on for size and if it fits keep it and if it doesn't, leave it for another time because who knows it might fit later.
If this post seems to drop off a cliff and it felt it should have gone somewhere else I apologize because I lost my train of thought. I'm healing and starting to see progress which makes me feel good. It's been a while since I felt progress. I exhausted myself last week traveling to Denver to see my dad who was once again in ICU and was worried I would never see progress. I survived the week driving up and down I-25, my dad is healing and facing a longer recovery than me. I told him that we make a pair but I don't think it made him laugh like it did me.
One month down and here is to a healthier time and healing hand over fist. I look forward to getting stronger and the upcoming biking season. I still hope to get in some powder days. Funny or not so funny that this is the first season that I've bought a season pass in over a decade. Oh well…
I know I've promised you all my post on boobies and it is coming!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Can You Hear Me?
Speak to me.
Come on, it's safe, just tell me what you need.
Man I wish you'd been taught sign language at birth so you could express to me what you need through words!
Why won't you communicate in a way I understand so I might meet your needs and satisfy?
This doesn't make sense. I'm ok. You are ok. We ARE ok.
Why can't I find anything that will give you energy?
How about this? Not that? Then what?
Busy? See friends? Travel? Hide at home? Work out? Walk? Sleep?
Come on tell me what is wrong and what you need.
This is me trying to have a mental and or physical conversation with my emotional body. Which, clearly has not produced the result I want as tears roll down my face.
My wonderful friend Heather Peterson takes two seconds on a call with me and lays out the impact of the emotional body. It hits home so much my emotional body screams out as someone hears its pain. I called to request other meditations, any meditations, in her voice so as to calm and center me....and through the phone a thousand miles away she picks up the exact chakra needing some love and hears and introduces me to my emotional body.
The physical body is healing but the emotional body is still sending out messages to a deaf ear. It's been rallying the troops, circling the wagons and padding the heart. No one has been answering or heading its call to arms in a way that it feels heard. Why? Because it can only communicate in the emotional world and I desperately want out of that world.
This phone call cannot be recreated because it wasn't for my mental body to hear. So I sit and work to now create a healing space for my emotional body. Letting others guide me through the dark as they heed the communication of my emotional body.
You will be heard. I will be listen to you and you have done your duty!
Please rest and reinvigorate yourself.
Come on, it's safe, just tell me what you need.
Man I wish you'd been taught sign language at birth so you could express to me what you need through words!
Why won't you communicate in a way I understand so I might meet your needs and satisfy?
This doesn't make sense. I'm ok. You are ok. We ARE ok.
Why can't I find anything that will give you energy?
How about this? Not that? Then what?
Busy? See friends? Travel? Hide at home? Work out? Walk? Sleep?
Come on tell me what is wrong and what you need.
This is me trying to have a mental and or physical conversation with my emotional body. Which, clearly has not produced the result I want as tears roll down my face.
My wonderful friend Heather Peterson takes two seconds on a call with me and lays out the impact of the emotional body. It hits home so much my emotional body screams out as someone hears its pain. I called to request other meditations, any meditations, in her voice so as to calm and center me....and through the phone a thousand miles away she picks up the exact chakra needing some love and hears and introduces me to my emotional body.
The physical body is healing but the emotional body is still sending out messages to a deaf ear. It's been rallying the troops, circling the wagons and padding the heart. No one has been answering or heading its call to arms in a way that it feels heard. Why? Because it can only communicate in the emotional world and I desperately want out of that world.
This phone call cannot be recreated because it wasn't for my mental body to hear. So I sit and work to now create a healing space for my emotional body. Letting others guide me through the dark as they heed the communication of my emotional body.
You will be heard. I will be listen to you and you have done your duty!
Please rest and reinvigorate yourself.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Naked?
Emotional cripple, I used that phrase today to describe myself.
Sitting in the ICU waiting room, I conducted my first post surgical psych appointment today on the phone. Why you ask?
Because through this process I wanted to leave no stone unturned and I wanted to take care of me. I also was looking for anything and everything that would invigorate or recharge my soul/mind/body.
The first question, what is the problem and what is your goal. Well let's see, I originally wanted to see you because of my recent diagnosis and surgery. I didn't want to suppress anything.
After talking, snorting and crying we came to the following...so, you've had a pretty significant body image change.
Um....yeah!!!
I want to be strong is how it started which by the end morphed to fewer letters, sexy.
The chorus of the conversation being what action could you take to do X and what could you do differently....
My mind crescendos, well for starters talking to a psych professional is soooooooo outside the box for me. Slow the beat, Madge, you promised yourself to do "the work". Well, I went to a spa last night with a friend where clothing is NOT an option. Meaning, here is your postage stamp towel for sitting on and your sheet is for the lounge area. Haha....yikes.
I remember taking newbies to this spa and as I handed them their postage stamp towel as their only shield and seeing their eyes pop. With me this time I heard the steel lock around my heart and the epidural pump kick in on my emotions. My friend opened the doors as I presented myself into public.
I want to fully own and accept my body! I want to be sexy again, fuck being strong.
My strength escorts me in and I feel strong but not the fewer letter word.
So that's what I did this week that is different than last week.
So who do you show your weakness to? Screech, crash, bang, boom and the train derails! Do you show your wife? Yes, but maybe not right now because we are both stressed. I have a friend who checks in and uses X-ray vision to see thru my costume of strength. Then I'm asked, have you heard of Antaeus from Greek mythology and the fight with Heracles? In short, you must fall down to become stronger....have you fallen yet?
Reading public I'll let you answer that question.....cuz I feel as if I never got off my knees from the kitchen floor after my diagnosis.
Pieces of my homework....
Questions to ask:
What can you do differently to be a better spouse?
Ask my wife, give space for honesty, and ask am I sexy?
Actions:
What can you do differently...
to be sexy?
To be ok with the present state of recovery?
To be stronger?
Be active?
My answers:
Physical therapy
Let others tell me how I'm progressing
Ask my questions
Own my body, with love and pure acceptance
Ask people for help to make my no rack and scars sexy
Walk each day, stretch and add in sit-ups and squats (when my pysical self is out to lunch so is my emotional stability).
My own question this week, what is sexy? Confidence, vulnerable, softness, muscular strong, adventurous, passionate, taking on challenges.... I'll be there soon to join you Honey, I promise!
Sitting in the ICU waiting room, I conducted my first post surgical psych appointment today on the phone. Why you ask?
Because through this process I wanted to leave no stone unturned and I wanted to take care of me. I also was looking for anything and everything that would invigorate or recharge my soul/mind/body.
The first question, what is the problem and what is your goal. Well let's see, I originally wanted to see you because of my recent diagnosis and surgery. I didn't want to suppress anything.
After talking, snorting and crying we came to the following...so, you've had a pretty significant body image change.
Um....yeah!!!
I want to be strong is how it started which by the end morphed to fewer letters, sexy.
The chorus of the conversation being what action could you take to do X and what could you do differently....
My mind crescendos, well for starters talking to a psych professional is soooooooo outside the box for me. Slow the beat, Madge, you promised yourself to do "the work". Well, I went to a spa last night with a friend where clothing is NOT an option. Meaning, here is your postage stamp towel for sitting on and your sheet is for the lounge area. Haha....yikes.
I remember taking newbies to this spa and as I handed them their postage stamp towel as their only shield and seeing their eyes pop. With me this time I heard the steel lock around my heart and the epidural pump kick in on my emotions. My friend opened the doors as I presented myself into public.
I want to fully own and accept my body! I want to be sexy again, fuck being strong.
My strength escorts me in and I feel strong but not the fewer letter word.
So that's what I did this week that is different than last week.
So who do you show your weakness to? Screech, crash, bang, boom and the train derails! Do you show your wife? Yes, but maybe not right now because we are both stressed. I have a friend who checks in and uses X-ray vision to see thru my costume of strength. Then I'm asked, have you heard of Antaeus from Greek mythology and the fight with Heracles? In short, you must fall down to become stronger....have you fallen yet?
Reading public I'll let you answer that question.....cuz I feel as if I never got off my knees from the kitchen floor after my diagnosis.
Pieces of my homework....
Questions to ask:
What can you do differently to be a better spouse?
Ask my wife, give space for honesty, and ask am I sexy?
Actions:
What can you do differently...
to be sexy?
To be ok with the present state of recovery?
To be stronger?
Be active?
My answers:
Physical therapy
Let others tell me how I'm progressing
Ask my questions
Own my body, with love and pure acceptance
Ask people for help to make my no rack and scars sexy
Walk each day, stretch and add in sit-ups and squats (when my pysical self is out to lunch so is my emotional stability).
My own question this week, what is sexy? Confidence, vulnerable, softness, muscular strong, adventurous, passionate, taking on challenges.... I'll be there soon to join you Honey, I promise!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Needed?
I checked in with the young secretary at my chiropractic office today on a previous conversation topic, her insurance. I inquired, since I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, if she and her family had sorted out their health insurance. She previously shared that she has a health concern that requires frequent prescription drugs and was needing to get on to some insurance with the new insurance laws going into place in 2014.
She spoke about how expensive insurance was, even under the new laws, as I handed her my Flex account card to pay for my visit since my insurance does not cover this provider. I agreed that it is expensive and we spoke briefly about my past few weeks and what might have happened if I didn't have insurance. The insurance I have because I have a job that helps make it affordable. My job which is not a small business.
The insurance that I hardly use because I'm healthy. I use my insurance for, well lets see, nothing more than insurance. I use chiropractic, not covered. I use acupuncture, not covered. I use other forms of alternative and complementary care, not covered. Yet, I have insurance.
Even with all the frustrations I have had with my recent diagnosis and utilizing insurance I'm glad I had it. I've used it and gladly passed the white shinny card across many a desk these past few weeks. I've made many a call to clarify my benefits and or solve an issue and I'm still glad I have it.
I'm not sure what I would do if I was self employed or worked for a company that was small enough that it didn't need to assist in providing health insurance. I'm sure I would check in to medicaid but that isn't an option in all states now that the laws changed and some opted out. Who knows, before when I've been in the situation I just went without insurance. Now that isn't an option for me or others.
When I get my explanations of benefits in the mail they are like twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining just how much money I saved because I have this insurance carrier! I don't want to be brought before I judge for my soap box view of insurance and health care at this time so I will just leave you with the above to ponder.
I'm glad I had and have insurance. I will continue to hold insurance in the future if for no more than a fly swatter toward the unknown. I look forward to looking back at all the changes and smiling.
PS. This week I've used chiropractic care 2 x's, massage, acupuncture and still spent less than what my one visit to the doc's office and my one trip to the pharmacy for my narcotic prescription will cost my insurance company.
She spoke about how expensive insurance was, even under the new laws, as I handed her my Flex account card to pay for my visit since my insurance does not cover this provider. I agreed that it is expensive and we spoke briefly about my past few weeks and what might have happened if I didn't have insurance. The insurance I have because I have a job that helps make it affordable. My job which is not a small business.
The insurance that I hardly use because I'm healthy. I use my insurance for, well lets see, nothing more than insurance. I use chiropractic, not covered. I use acupuncture, not covered. I use other forms of alternative and complementary care, not covered. Yet, I have insurance.
Even with all the frustrations I have had with my recent diagnosis and utilizing insurance I'm glad I had it. I've used it and gladly passed the white shinny card across many a desk these past few weeks. I've made many a call to clarify my benefits and or solve an issue and I'm still glad I have it.
I'm not sure what I would do if I was self employed or worked for a company that was small enough that it didn't need to assist in providing health insurance. I'm sure I would check in to medicaid but that isn't an option in all states now that the laws changed and some opted out. Who knows, before when I've been in the situation I just went without insurance. Now that isn't an option for me or others.
When I get my explanations of benefits in the mail they are like twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining just how much money I saved because I have this insurance carrier! I don't want to be brought before I judge for my soap box view of insurance and health care at this time so I will just leave you with the above to ponder.
I'm glad I had and have insurance. I will continue to hold insurance in the future if for no more than a fly swatter toward the unknown. I look forward to looking back at all the changes and smiling.
PS. This week I've used chiropractic care 2 x's, massage, acupuncture and still spent less than what my one visit to the doc's office and my one trip to the pharmacy for my narcotic prescription will cost my insurance company.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
All Over The Place
Before you read this, remember, I'm ok. These writings are a form of therapy, so to speak. Often things are hidden from my view until I let go and see the words, and then it might be in that moment that I feel, smile, cry and rejoice. Plus I might write in hopes of seeing a change or even spending a bit of time on my soap box. Feel free to leave comments on the blog as you see fit because something you say might support another who stumbles across it's power. I won't take it personal so if you mean it...oupsie:)
Keeping the heart and mind in alignment isn't easy and it's extremely difficult during times of distress. There needs to be a way that the medical field can get back to or develop itself as healthcare. As an RN I do my best to protect people and bring my other careers into my tool box to make their experience be the best that it can be when they are ill. It has been a difficult transition from wellness to medical, I won't lie. Everything from the way our work day, or should I say night, is constructed to the pure system. I love the science and enjoy my shifts. However, I'll tell you I've not found my passion yet and I don't know what that passion will morph into, especially after my own personal experience with cancer and the system.
You might have noticed that I haven't written much about cancer, boobs and how I feel. Well it is a process and there are things brewing in my head. I've been following a +Zen Psychiatry online. The woman, +Elena Miller MD, was recently diagnosed, with cancer and has started chemotherapy. The reason I mention her vs my other close strong cancer surviving bad asses are many and maybe those will be told later. Please note anything I say here is not a shot at her or her care. I am glad she is sharing her story and I hope medical care might change because of what she shares and her connections to the medical community. She got swift care, diagnosis and amazing love from the medical community that hopefully will impact her speedy recovery.
I am not saying that she got swifter care than another because she is an MD but I'm sure it made a difference. Why do I say that? Because ultimately our Medical system is a system and sometimes it has faults. I also say it because I owe many many thanks to a woman here in my community that basically said this will go another way. She is the one who got me an appointment with a surgeon and I got my biopsy before the date that my original meet and greet with a surgeon was to occur. In short, I benefited too from the it's about who you know….if you are reading it that way.
Ultimately I would have gotten my diagnosis and the system would have taken care of my disease. What was missing was me being taken care of as an individual, thinking and feeling human being. Remember, that this is my view. It was so evident when it was missing an upper cut was felt to the solar plexus. In my case and my disease waiting a few days or weeks would land in the high percentile that it would not have made a difference on my prognosis. In Elena's case a few days or weeks could have resulted in the high percentile of death.
My mother sent me an email yesterday reminding me of the power of meditation and a new report that NPR produced. I say the power of the mind is impressive and the heart is probably 100,000 times stronger. If you believe in the power of meditation, mind body spirit, positive intention, prayer or any other form of intervention between reality and calm then you have to see my true point. Expand on it as you need… People matter as a whole not just their diagnosis and Elena's career choice and her current path speak so loudly toward this point as well.
I found myself in the medical field after originally being trained in fitness and wellness in college. Pre-Physical Therapy, which I never pursued due to my view of myself as being dumb (let us leave this subject alone for now…it all worked out and I'm not dumb…Oups I went there). After that I found myself in companies that were unique about their belief toward humans, work and education (Dream Team Technologies, Culture Counts, LandMark Education and others). I spent 7 years prior to deciding to leap to the medical field working for an amazing company, CorePower Yoga. A few of us made sure that CorePower Yoga got the best of all the previous worlds and made people matter. Plus it didn't hurt that we practiced yoga on a daily basis AT WORK. We expanded peoples access to body awareness, self love through yoga, meditation, fitness and wellness and pure love.
I've never been in the "system". I've been healthy as long as you don't count my joints in the equation. I've never been on medications and I've lead what I considered to this point a healthy lifestyle. Even when I do get sick I've usually attack it ontologically, nutritionally, alternative/complementary, eastern medicines and only venturing into western medicine when I've found no other choice. Usually because I fell of my bike and my acupuncturist doesn't have X-ray vision.
I know this post has been all over the place but so am I. I hope the medical industry will morph and morph soon. I don't know where my place is in the future of the medical field as an RN. I wonder if my passion for things to change will morph my commitment to my work and how I perform. I hope someone reads any experience with an illness and remembers that the person you meet on the street, bank, in line and online is dealing with more than you could possibly imagine and we are all the same. I hope I remember to interact with each individual through my previous experiences but that THIS individual in front of me is NOT any of those experiences and this one is new. Don't drag yesterdays interaction with a person in a similar situation into today's interaction with a different person and remember the situation might be different.
One thing in one of Elena's post hit me and then I remembered several of my strong bad ass cancer survivors felt the same way but it hadn't been drawn forward for me as clear as in the post. When will I forgive myself for getting cancer? When will I forgive my body for betraying me? Given all that I've spouted in the above about the mind and body spirit I must believe the answer to my questions should be yesterday, but I haven't. I can feel the hold is slipping but it's there. When overwhelmed by wanting to do the right thing for me and my body I remember a conversation I had on the Phone with +Chris Dawson about his experience. What I heard him say was one day the worry about what I ate or did went away. The worry won't help just live!
So I go through this process and I share only a snip it with you via this blog. Each worry that I've put to rest I found it's clone or sibling. This week it's about disappointing people and attempting to heal faster than my current pace to avoid disappointing or being a bother. I've not shook this little sucker yet but I'm working on the little mental delinquent that is for sure. Currently I'm suppose to return to work on the 15th. Why, well actually it was a random date picked out of thin air after the first discussion with the doc about surgery recovery. He said two weeks was too short and thought 4 weeks might be too long for me but it's individual. I picked the date sitting in the schedulers office right after discussing anesthesiologist for my surgery in three days. Even my picking was determined by bother and disappointment. I didn't want to miss a friends baby shower, I want that happiness. I don't have any Paid Time off so I didn't want to disappoint our finances. I didn't want to be a bother at work because of being short handed. I din't want my future life and time off with my Wife messed up by this time off for stupid cancer. I didn't want to be a disappointment because I got cancer. Well, right now I'm not ready to return to work to care for your loved ones. If I screw up now it's not a program delay, someone not receiving their product or a simple I'm sorry. Plus until I have full range of motion and my incisions heal I could hurt myself, yet what still drives me, my concern for others….LAME. Yet it is there. We will breathe and see what the doc has to say tomorrow.
No worries, I'll get past this mental delinquent soon and on to others like going back to therapy that I haven't done in oh lets see since I was in 5th grade.Then I'll share more about boobies, tatas and ultimately all the love around me.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
What it is - Breathe
Attacking isn't the same as healing
The attack, is so different
so focused
laser like
The recovery, is not the same
its all over
its realization
its dealing with the results,
the left over, the unknown
The attack was unknown, yet
a relief was felt
rejuvenating, reassuring,
anxiety- the hum was gone
Recovery is Hell
so many questions
still ones left unasked, due to
bother
embarrassment
assumptions
The attack is, quick
no time to fully process
questions left unasked, due to
lack of time
seeming lack of importance
it will be what it is
Recovery is, slow
nothing you can do will
change the fact that it is a process
with all your fight, it is just what it will be
The recovery drags on
the community gets busy
time crawls, milestones are missed
frustration presses in
shock lingers around the corner
Attacking The Recovery helps
things speed up
along with it the highs and the lows
some fascination returns
the mind approaches the starting line, and
I try and remember it will be what it is,
now, not yesterday or tomorrow
The attack, is so different
so focused
laser like
The recovery, is not the same
its all over
its realization
its dealing with the results,
the left over, the unknown
The attack was unknown, yet
a relief was felt
rejuvenating, reassuring,
anxiety- the hum was gone
Recovery is Hell
so many questions
still ones left unasked, due to
bother
embarrassment
assumptions
The attack is, quick
no time to fully process
questions left unasked, due to
lack of time
seeming lack of importance
it will be what it is
Recovery is, slow
nothing you can do will
change the fact that it is a process
with all your fight, it is just what it will be
The recovery drags on
the community gets busy
time crawls, milestones are missed
frustration presses in
shock lingers around the corner
Attacking The Recovery helps
things speed up
along with it the highs and the lows
some fascination returns
the mind approaches the starting line, and
I try and remember it will be what it is,
now, not yesterday or tomorrow
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