The Key

No matter what,
it doesn't matter.

No matter the -
analyzation, advice, hindsight, should nots, wishing, knowledge, pushing, pulling, crying, screaming, gathered information, theories applied, altered patterns, food eaten or avoided, where you wanted to be, where you were going...
It is what it is.

Even the knowing -
     No matter what you do it will be what it is
won't help.

The internal struggle or external struggle
matters not -
It will be what it is

Nothing matters -
nothing will change
     This is where I'm at -
Where I'm at won't change
     no matter what -
It is what it is.

Knowing I'm on a rats wheel
won't change
    that I'm still going in circles -
It won't matter.

Nothing will alter the
current course or where I am right now-
It is what it is.

Pure acceptance
will change you and your perspective.
You will still be where you are
Nothing will change that,
but you will change.

Now I'm in my cage
knowing that I'm running circles -
No matter where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do,
will change.

I run for acceptance -
a fleeting and brief peace occurs, as
I close in on my prey.

It sounded so soft and fluffy,
this prey.
Achievable and easy.

Come on, really, this is all I have to do -
Accept where I am?
It seems so easy.

No matter -
my gaming skills, the fleeting thought that I'm sneaky, the speed at which I can run, my cunning wits, Yoga, Meditation, writing, napping, affirmations, therapy, cancer surviver books, confirmations, acknowledgment of how far I've come and where I'm at now….
Makes my prey no easier to catch!!!!

I Promised...

This post has been rattling around inside me for 30 days now. I told you that I would communicate my thoughts on boobies and I've not lied but at this point it can't all be expressed, sorted, and made pretty with bows on top. Whether this is for the woman, the man or society itself I'm clear there is a ton of sexuality, femininity, beauty and the ability to be sexy currently wrapped up in the boob. Even the term you might use to describe the female breast varies as much as the shape they come in…

Cantaloupes
Boulders
Boobies
Glands
Grapefruits
Honkers
Hooters
Tits
Titties
Bosom
Highbeams
Tatas
Mellons
Rack
Nips
Knockers
Women's secret Source of Power
Should I continue???? I think not but feel free to add to the list, day dream or move on but no touching.

I'm clear I still have no idea how my breasts defined me and now have a new relationship to develop (couldn't avoid that one). My scars I will have to learn to love, imbrace and dress up just as I did with my breasts. I will need to learn new definitions, stories and gain empowerment from my current remodeled body.

Instead of this post being about my view on to have or not have breasts I decided to have some fun. Too much seriousness around this subject. I hope you find the love, admiration and fun that I do.

During my Month I have had many of people share their tata begone dance but not all of those people agreed for me to share what they shared. Probably because I forgot to ask but all the same those are just for me. I did have a group of six women who decided to have a very empowering day painting up their boobies for me! Yep all for me! Ok maybe it was for themselves as well but come on.

I've been given permission to share their pics as long as no identification is given and faces are not shared. I smiled, cried and laughed when my friend shared the pics with me. This woman decided to honor my journey by sharing it with other ladies and creating art. These women took it on and moved it into a journey of their own. A journey of self love and acknowledgement. I have incorporated my own self love and acknowledgement into this slideshow as well. If the slide show does not show up below you can use this link to view the slideshow on tatas .

tatas - slideshow

Time Flies?

My mind is spinning a bit which makes starting a new post difficult but I say we give it a try anyway.

One month has snuck by since I underwent surgery for a Bilateral Mastectomy with sentinel node dissection which occurred during early afternoon on 12/20/13. I'm healing, all at different paces but I am healing my physical, emotional and mental body. Each one has proven to have very different challenges and needs. I can tell you that I've not done this alone and could not have done this alone. The community has played a vital part during this past month and I'm sure it will be the same in the coming months. Thank you so so much. I'm glad to say there are too many of you to thank personally in this blog. If you are reading this blog then you are one of those nameless people.

I have holes in my timeline and memory but I'm sure if you interviewed my Wife she would say that wasn't anything new. To intervene in these gaps I've moved all my get well cards into our office and sat and read them during a non-narcotic high. It has been utterly amazing at how many people have shown up in our lives. What I mean by showing up is that they became visible that they are in my life and not just during the kick ass adventures. Hmm I guess this was an ass kicking adventure. People showed up via personal phone calls, cards, amazing packages of joy sent via post of dropped at our door, christmas shopping completed for my wife to insure she had something to open, emails of love and advice, meals cooked, parties thrown, kitchens cleaned, showers given, hair washed, clothes removed, fluid drained, time spent, miles driven, laughs caused, tears wiped, follow up texts/calls, meditations given and phone calls taken at all hours. During this process I've even been given insight. Insight into where I have not shown up for my friends and family in the past. I just received a box of joy from a long time friend +Shelly and we had an amazing conversation where we discussed my lacking of show during her transition of the loss of her father. Truly amazing call and love shared during this call of admitting what was lacking. I say pick your head up and see where you need to show up and go do it.

It is amazing at how much information there is out in the world that can overwhelm and or inform at the same time. I feel there are plenty of things that I could have been told that would have helped me down this journey and I hope my blog will be that for others. One of my recent tidbits given to me by a lovely friend, +Sharon, about wearing a tight top to assist the Lymph to learn a new path might just change my recovery speed. I've been having pain in my right side that the MD isn't relieving through advice or meds. The best description I have is that it is like having a tourniquet from the top of my peck under my arm and up to the top of my scapula. Remember timing and knowledge always play a factor but I was not told this advice by my MD. Sharon shared that her OT told her to wear tight tops to lovingly convince the lymph to flow. I say lovingly because I tried tight things early on and the pain was too much under that darn right arm. This week I received a love box from +Sara Rice with a new top and guess what? It fits tight so I wouldn't wear it. After my advice I went and grabbed that tight top and wiggled into it. Last night was the first night that by the end of the day I didn't want to dig into my arm and find a find a pressure release valve. When I woke this morning I performed the same ritual of wiggling into the tight top with pleasure! Tomorrow I start PT and can't wait for new info to change my course on this long road of healing.

My point is, during a process like this you will get lots of peoples views/advice/suggestions/hints/support and I suggest that you try it on for size and see how it fits. No matter how the information comes across your radar screen just try it on for size and if it fits keep it and if it doesn't, leave it for another time because who knows it might fit later.

If this post seems to drop off a cliff and it felt it should have gone somewhere else I apologize because I lost my train of thought. I'm healing and starting to see progress which makes me feel good. It's been a while since I felt progress. I exhausted myself last week traveling to Denver to see my dad who was once again in ICU and was worried I would never see progress. I survived the week driving up and down I-25, my dad is healing and facing a longer recovery than me. I told him that we make a pair but I don't think it made him laugh like it did me.

One month down and here is to a healthier time and healing hand over fist. I look forward to getting stronger and the upcoming biking season. I still hope to get in some powder days. Funny or not so funny that this is the first season that I've bought a season pass in over a decade. Oh well…

I know I've promised you all my post on boobies and it is coming!

Can You Hear Me?

Speak to me.
Come on, it's safe, just tell me what you need.
Man I wish you'd been taught sign language at birth so you could express to me what you need through words!
Why won't you communicate in a way I understand so I might meet your needs and satisfy?
This doesn't make sense. I'm ok. You are ok. We ARE ok.
Why can't I find anything that will give you energy?
How about this? Not that? Then what?
Busy? See friends? Travel? Hide at home? Work out? Walk? Sleep?
Come on tell me what is wrong and what you need.

This is me trying to have a mental and or physical conversation with my emotional body. Which, clearly has not produced the result I want as tears roll down my face.

My wonderful friend Heather Peterson takes two seconds on a call with me and lays out the impact of the emotional body. It hits home so much my emotional body screams out as someone hears its pain. I called to request other meditations, any meditations, in her voice so as to calm and center me....and through the phone a thousand miles away she picks up the exact chakra needing some love and hears and introduces me to my emotional body.

The physical body is healing but the emotional body is still sending out messages to a deaf ear. It's been rallying the troops, circling the wagons and padding the heart. No one has been answering or heading its call to arms in a way that it feels heard. Why? Because it can only communicate in the emotional world and I desperately want out of that world.

This phone call cannot be recreated because it wasn't for my mental body to hear. So I sit and work to now create a healing space for my emotional body. Letting others guide me through the dark as they heed the communication of my emotional body.

You will be heard. I will be listen to you and you have done your duty!
Please rest and reinvigorate yourself.

Naked?

Emotional cripple, I used that phrase today to describe myself.

Sitting in the ICU waiting room, I conducted my first post surgical psych appointment today on the phone. Why you ask?

Because through this process I wanted to leave no stone unturned and I wanted to take care of me. I also was looking for anything and everything that would invigorate or recharge my soul/mind/body.

The first question, what is the problem and what is your goal. Well let's see, I originally wanted to see you because of my recent diagnosis and surgery. I didn't want to suppress anything.

After talking, snorting and crying we came to the following...so, you've had a pretty significant body image change.

Um....yeah!!!

I want to be strong is how it started which by the end morphed to fewer letters, sexy.

The chorus of the conversation being what action could you take to do X and what could you do differently....

My mind crescendos, well for starters talking to a psych professional is soooooooo outside the box for me. Slow the beat, Madge, you promised yourself to do "the work". Well, I went to a spa last night with a friend where clothing is NOT an option. Meaning, here is your postage stamp towel for sitting on and your sheet is for the lounge area. Haha....yikes.

I remember taking newbies to this spa and as I handed them their postage stamp towel as their only shield and seeing their eyes pop. With me this time I heard the steel lock around my heart and the epidural pump kick in on my emotions. My friend opened the doors as I presented myself into public.

I want to fully own and accept my body! I want to be sexy again, fuck being strong.

My strength escorts me in and I feel strong but not the fewer letter word.

So that's what I did this week that is different than last week.

So who do you show your weakness to? Screech, crash, bang, boom and the train derails! Do you show your wife? Yes, but maybe not right now because we are both stressed. I have a friend who checks in and uses X-ray vision to see thru my costume of strength. Then I'm asked, have you heard of Antaeus from Greek mythology and the fight with Heracles? In short, you must fall down to become stronger....have you fallen yet?

Reading public I'll let you answer that question.....cuz I feel as if I never got off my knees from the kitchen floor after my diagnosis.

Pieces of my homework....
Questions to ask:
What can you do differently to be a better spouse?
Ask my wife, give space for honesty, and ask am I sexy?
Actions:
What can you do differently...
to be sexy?
To be ok with the present state of recovery?
To be stronger?
Be active?

My answers:
Physical therapy
Let others tell me how I'm progressing
Ask my questions
Own my body, with love and pure acceptance
Ask people for help to make my no rack and scars sexy
Walk each day, stretch and add in sit-ups and squats (when my pysical self is out to lunch so is my emotional stability).

My own question this week, what is sexy? Confidence, vulnerable, softness, muscular strong, adventurous, passionate, taking on challenges.... I'll be there soon to join you Honey, I promise!

Needed?

I checked in with the young secretary at my chiropractic office today on a previous conversation topic, her insurance. I inquired, since I hadn't seen her in a few weeks, if she and her family had sorted out their health insurance. She previously shared that she has a health concern that requires frequent prescription drugs and was needing to get on to some insurance with the new insurance laws going into place in 2014.

She spoke about how expensive insurance was, even under the new laws, as I handed her my Flex account card to pay for my visit since my insurance does not cover this provider. I agreed that it is expensive and we spoke briefly about my past few weeks and what might have happened if I didn't have insurance. The insurance I have because I have a job that helps make it affordable. My job which is not a small business.

The insurance that I hardly use because I'm healthy. I use my insurance for, well lets see, nothing more than insurance. I use chiropractic, not covered. I use acupuncture, not covered. I use other forms of alternative and complementary care, not covered. Yet, I have insurance.

Even with all the frustrations I have had with my recent diagnosis and utilizing insurance I'm glad I had it. I've used it and gladly passed the white shinny card across many a desk these past few weeks. I've made many a call to clarify my benefits and or solve an issue and I'm still glad I have it.

I'm not sure what I would do if I was self employed or worked for a company that was small enough that it didn't need to assist in providing health insurance. I'm sure I would check in to medicaid but that isn't an option in all states now that the laws changed and some opted out. Who knows, before when I've been in the situation I just went without insurance. Now that isn't an option for me or others.

When I get my explanations of benefits in the mail they are like twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining just how much money I saved because I have this insurance carrier! I don't want to be brought before I judge for my soap box view of insurance and health care at this time so I will just leave you with the above to ponder.

I'm glad I had and have insurance. I will continue to hold insurance in the future if for no more than a fly swatter toward the unknown. I look forward to looking back at all the changes and smiling.

PS. This week I've used chiropractic care 2 x's, massage, acupuncture and still spent less than what my one visit to the doc's office and my one trip to the pharmacy for my narcotic prescription will cost my insurance company.

All Over The Place

Before you read this, remember, I'm ok. These writings are a form of therapy, so to speak. Often things are hidden from my view until I let go and see the words, and then it might be in that moment that I feel, smile, cry and rejoice. Plus I might write in hopes of seeing a change or even spending a bit of time on my soap box. Feel free to leave comments on the blog as you see fit because something you say might support another who stumbles across it's power. I won't take it personal so if you mean it...oupsie:)

You might have noticed that I haven't written much about cancer, boobs and how I feel. Well it is a process and there are things brewing in my head. I've been following a +Zen Psychiatry online. The woman, +Elena Miller MD, was recently diagnosed, with cancer and has started chemotherapy. The reason I mention her vs my other close strong cancer surviving bad asses are many and maybe those will be told later. Please note anything I say here is not a shot at her or her care. I am glad she is sharing her story and I hope medical care might change because of what she shares and her connections to the medical community. She got swift care, diagnosis and amazing love from the medical community that hopefully will impact her speedy recovery. 

I am not saying that she got swifter care than another because she is an MD but I'm sure it made a difference. Why do I say that? Because ultimately our Medical system is a system and sometimes it has faults. I also say it because I owe many many thanks to a woman here in my community that basically said this will go another way. She is the one who got me an appointment with a surgeon and I got my biopsy before the date that my original meet and greet with a surgeon was to occur. In short, I benefited too from the it's about who you know….if you are reading it that way. 

Ultimately I would have gotten my diagnosis and the system would have taken care of my disease. What was missing was me being taken care of as an individual, thinking and feeling human being. Remember, that this is my view. It was so evident when it was missing an upper cut was felt to the solar plexus. In my case and my disease waiting a few days or weeks would land in the high percentile that it would not have made a difference on my prognosis. In Elena's case a few days or weeks could have resulted in the high percentile of death. 

My mother sent me an email yesterday reminding me of the power of meditation and a new report that NPR produced. I say the power of the mind is impressive and the heart is probably 100,000 times stronger. If you believe in the power of meditation, mind body spirit, positive intention, prayer or any other form of intervention between reality and calm then you have to see my true point. Expand on it as you need… People matter as a whole not just their diagnosis and Elena's career choice and her current path speak so loudly toward this point as well. 

I found myself in the medical field after originally being trained in fitness and wellness in college. Pre-Physical Therapy, which I never pursued due to my view of myself as being dumb (let us leave this subject alone for now…it all worked out and I'm not dumb…Oups I went there). After that I found myself in companies that were unique about their belief toward humans, work and education (Dream Team Technologies, Culture Counts, LandMark Education and others). I spent 7 years prior to deciding to leap to the medical field working for an amazing company, CorePower Yoga. A few of us made sure that CorePower Yoga got the best of all the previous worlds and made people matter. Plus it didn't hurt that we practiced yoga on a daily basis AT WORK. We expanded peoples access to body awareness, self love through yoga, meditation, fitness and wellness and pure love.

Keeping the heart and mind in alignment isn't easy and it's extremely difficult during times of distress. There needs to be a way that the medical field can get back to or develop itself as healthcare. As an RN I do my best to protect people and bring my other careers into my tool box to make their experience be the best that it can be when they are ill.  It has been a difficult transition from wellness to medical, I won't lie. Everything from the way our work day, or should I say night, is constructed to the pure system. I love the science and enjoy my shifts. However, I'll tell you I've not found my passion yet and I don't know what that passion will morph into, especially after my own personal experience with cancer and the system. 

I've never been in the "system". I've been healthy as long as you don't count my joints in the equation. I've never been on medications and I've lead what I considered to this point a healthy lifestyle. Even when I do get sick I've usually attack it ontologically, nutritionally, alternative/complementary, eastern medicines and only venturing into western medicine when I've found no other choice. Usually because I fell of my bike and my acupuncturist doesn't have X-ray vision. 

I know this post has been all over the place but so am I. I hope the medical industry will morph and morph soon. I don't know where my place is in the future of the medical field as an RN. I wonder if my passion for things to change will morph my commitment to my work and how I perform. I hope someone reads any experience with an illness and remembers that the person you meet on the street, bank, in line and online is dealing with more than you could possibly imagine and we are all the same. I hope I remember to interact with each individual through my previous experiences but that THIS individual in front of me is NOT any of those experiences and this one is new.  Don't drag yesterdays interaction with a person in a similar situation into today's interaction with a different person and remember the situation might be different.  

One thing in one of Elena's post hit me and then I remembered several of my strong bad ass cancer survivors felt the same way but it hadn't been drawn forward for me as clear as in the post. When will I forgive myself for getting cancer? When will I forgive my body for betraying me? Given all that I've spouted in the above about the mind and body spirit I must believe the answer to my questions should be yesterday, but I haven't. I can feel the hold is slipping but it's there. When overwhelmed by wanting to do the right thing for me and my body I remember a conversation I had on the Phone with +Chris Dawson about his experience. What I heard him say was one day the worry about what I ate or did went away. The worry won't help just live! 

So I go through this process and I share only a snip it with you via this blog. Each worry that I've put to rest I found it's clone or sibling. This week it's about disappointing people and attempting to heal faster than my current pace to avoid disappointing or being a bother. I've not shook this little sucker yet but I'm working on the little mental delinquent that is for sure. Currently I'm suppose to return to work on the 15th. Why, well actually it was a random date picked out of thin air after the first discussion with the doc about surgery recovery. He said two weeks was too short and thought 4 weeks might be too long for me but it's individual. I picked the date sitting in the schedulers office right after discussing anesthesiologist for my surgery in three days. Even my picking was determined by bother and disappointment. I didn't want to miss a friends baby shower, I want that happiness. I don't have any Paid Time off so I didn't want to disappoint our finances. I didn't want to be a bother at work because of being short handed. I din't want my future life and time off with my Wife messed up by this time off for stupid cancer. I didn't want to be a disappointment because I got cancer. Well, right now I'm not ready to return to work to care for your loved ones. If I screw up now it's not a program delay, someone not receiving their product or a simple I'm sorry. Plus until I have full range of motion and my incisions heal I could hurt myself, yet what still drives me, my concern for others….LAME. Yet it is there. We will breathe and see what the doc has to say tomorrow. 

No worries, I'll get past this mental delinquent soon and on to others like going back to therapy that I haven't done in oh lets see since I was in 5th grade.Then I'll share more about boobies, tatas and ultimately all the love around me.  

What it is - Breathe

Attacking isn't the same as healing

The attack, is so different
     so focused
     laser like

The recovery, is not the same
     its all over
     its realization
     its dealing with the results,
          the left over, the unknown

The attack was unknown, yet
     a relief was felt
     rejuvenating, reassuring,
     anxiety- the hum was gone

Recovery is Hell
     so many questions
     still ones left unasked, due to
     bother
     embarrassment
     assumptions

The attack is, quick
     no time to fully process
     questions left unasked, due to
     lack of time
     seeming lack of importance
     it will be what it is

Recovery is, slow
     nothing you can do will
     change the fact that it is a process
     with all your fight, it is just what it will be

The recovery drags on
     the community gets busy
     time crawls, milestones are missed
     frustration presses in
     shock lingers around the corner

Attacking The Recovery helps
     things speed up
     along with it the highs and the lows
     some fascination returns
     the mind approaches the starting line, and
     I try and remember it will be what it is,
          now, not yesterday or tomorrow