Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Let's

Let me be honest, I've had tough times

My friend lost a parent this year
Mine, are still living.

My cousin lost a child
It wasn't my mine.

A friend's brother took his own life
My sister lives.

Several friends battle cancer
I'm not in chemo.

My friend died
I wasn't his sister, mother or daughter.

Do I need to spell it out?
Each time broke me down
Etched away at who I am
To be the one I am today
who believed she'd had tough times.

I HAD cancer
I fear it's return.

It made me question everything about myself.
This thing the Doctor sits me down and tells me I have
eats away at my foundation, my beliefs.

The Spanish inquisition is released on my every fiber
My Personality, relationship, nutrition, spirituality all come under fire.

The not knowing what to believe
The pure questioning in itself, painful

The body heals
The energy returns
The mind must be kept in check


I've been off the radar because I've been hiding. I pulled away from my family because the last time they saw me was 5 days out of surgery and to them I'm still that person. My friends have moved on and seem to have forgotten which gives me space. I've hidden long enough to emerge as someone different or someone who never had cancer. Someone who never had body changing surgery. Someone who questions everything that has gotten her here today. 

It's been tough but I'm coming out of it. I went off line when my pain became chronic. I returned too soon to work. I was unprepared for how much work and my surgery would drain me so I hid. I fell off the grid and tried to get back on my bike. It didn't help that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer and then had to go through chemo. 

Due to pain I had to back off the bike so I hid more. It's like the bike was the true time eraser. I wanted back on! 
Then it happened, I starting having less pain, and work starting flowing. 

Now I've been off the radar due to riding the bike, and trying to keep up with my wife. No, not a complete time eraser but pretty damn good. Stay tuned for updates moving forward and I'll attempt to get us caught up from the past. I'm still hiding and enjoying spending time with myself.