Naked?

Emotional cripple, I used that phrase today to describe myself.

Sitting in the ICU waiting room, I conducted my first post surgical psych appointment today on the phone. Why you ask?

Because through this process I wanted to leave no stone unturned and I wanted to take care of me. I also was looking for anything and everything that would invigorate or recharge my soul/mind/body.

The first question, what is the problem and what is your goal. Well let's see, I originally wanted to see you because of my recent diagnosis and surgery. I didn't want to suppress anything.

After talking, snorting and crying we came to the following...so, you've had a pretty significant body image change.

Um....yeah!!!

I want to be strong is how it started which by the end morphed to fewer letters, sexy.

The chorus of the conversation being what action could you take to do X and what could you do differently....

My mind crescendos, well for starters talking to a psych professional is soooooooo outside the box for me. Slow the beat, Madge, you promised yourself to do "the work". Well, I went to a spa last night with a friend where clothing is NOT an option. Meaning, here is your postage stamp towel for sitting on and your sheet is for the lounge area. Haha....yikes.

I remember taking newbies to this spa and as I handed them their postage stamp towel as their only shield and seeing their eyes pop. With me this time I heard the steel lock around my heart and the epidural pump kick in on my emotions. My friend opened the doors as I presented myself into public.

I want to fully own and accept my body! I want to be sexy again, fuck being strong.

My strength escorts me in and I feel strong but not the fewer letter word.

So that's what I did this week that is different than last week.

So who do you show your weakness to? Screech, crash, bang, boom and the train derails! Do you show your wife? Yes, but maybe not right now because we are both stressed. I have a friend who checks in and uses X-ray vision to see thru my costume of strength. Then I'm asked, have you heard of Antaeus from Greek mythology and the fight with Heracles? In short, you must fall down to become stronger....have you fallen yet?

Reading public I'll let you answer that question.....cuz I feel as if I never got off my knees from the kitchen floor after my diagnosis.

Pieces of my homework....
Questions to ask:
What can you do differently to be a better spouse?
Ask my wife, give space for honesty, and ask am I sexy?
Actions:
What can you do differently...
to be sexy?
To be ok with the present state of recovery?
To be stronger?
Be active?

My answers:
Physical therapy
Let others tell me how I'm progressing
Ask my questions
Own my body, with love and pure acceptance
Ask people for help to make my no rack and scars sexy
Walk each day, stretch and add in sit-ups and squats (when my pysical self is out to lunch so is my emotional stability).

My own question this week, what is sexy? Confidence, vulnerable, softness, muscular strong, adventurous, passionate, taking on challenges.... I'll be there soon to join you Honey, I promise!