Before you read this, remember, I'm ok. These writings are a form of therapy, so to speak. Often things are hidden from my view until I let go and see the words, and then it might be in that moment that I feel, smile, cry and rejoice. Plus I might write in hopes of seeing a change or even spending a bit of time on my soap box. Feel free to leave comments on the blog as you see fit because something you say might support another who stumbles across it's power. I won't take it personal so if you mean it...oupsie:)
Keeping the heart and mind in alignment isn't easy and it's extremely difficult during times of distress. There needs to be a way that the medical field can get back to or develop itself as healthcare. As an RN I do my best to protect people and bring my other careers into my tool box to make their experience be the best that it can be when they are ill. It has been a difficult transition from wellness to medical, I won't lie. Everything from the way our work day, or should I say night, is constructed to the pure system. I love the science and enjoy my shifts. However, I'll tell you I've not found my passion yet and I don't know what that passion will morph into, especially after my own personal experience with cancer and the system.
You might have noticed that I haven't written much about cancer, boobs and how I feel. Well it is a process and there are things brewing in my head. I've been following a +Zen Psychiatry online. The woman, +Elena Miller MD, was recently diagnosed, with cancer and has started chemotherapy. The reason I mention her vs my other close strong cancer surviving bad asses are many and maybe those will be told later. Please note anything I say here is not a shot at her or her care. I am glad she is sharing her story and I hope medical care might change because of what she shares and her connections to the medical community. She got swift care, diagnosis and amazing love from the medical community that hopefully will impact her speedy recovery.
I am not saying that she got swifter care than another because she is an MD but I'm sure it made a difference. Why do I say that? Because ultimately our Medical system is a system and sometimes it has faults. I also say it because I owe many many thanks to a woman here in my community that basically said this will go another way. She is the one who got me an appointment with a surgeon and I got my biopsy before the date that my original meet and greet with a surgeon was to occur. In short, I benefited too from the it's about who you know….if you are reading it that way.
Ultimately I would have gotten my diagnosis and the system would have taken care of my disease. What was missing was me being taken care of as an individual, thinking and feeling human being. Remember, that this is my view. It was so evident when it was missing an upper cut was felt to the solar plexus. In my case and my disease waiting a few days or weeks would land in the high percentile that it would not have made a difference on my prognosis. In Elena's case a few days or weeks could have resulted in the high percentile of death.
My mother sent me an email yesterday reminding me of the power of meditation and a new report that NPR produced. I say the power of the mind is impressive and the heart is probably 100,000 times stronger. If you believe in the power of meditation, mind body spirit, positive intention, prayer or any other form of intervention between reality and calm then you have to see my true point. Expand on it as you need… People matter as a whole not just their diagnosis and Elena's career choice and her current path speak so loudly toward this point as well.
I found myself in the medical field after originally being trained in fitness and wellness in college. Pre-Physical Therapy, which I never pursued due to my view of myself as being dumb (let us leave this subject alone for now…it all worked out and I'm not dumb…Oups I went there). After that I found myself in companies that were unique about their belief toward humans, work and education (Dream Team Technologies, Culture Counts, LandMark Education and others). I spent 7 years prior to deciding to leap to the medical field working for an amazing company, CorePower Yoga. A few of us made sure that CorePower Yoga got the best of all the previous worlds and made people matter. Plus it didn't hurt that we practiced yoga on a daily basis AT WORK. We expanded peoples access to body awareness, self love through yoga, meditation, fitness and wellness and pure love.
I've never been in the "system". I've been healthy as long as you don't count my joints in the equation. I've never been on medications and I've lead what I considered to this point a healthy lifestyle. Even when I do get sick I've usually attack it ontologically, nutritionally, alternative/complementary, eastern medicines and only venturing into western medicine when I've found no other choice. Usually because I fell of my bike and my acupuncturist doesn't have X-ray vision.
I know this post has been all over the place but so am I. I hope the medical industry will morph and morph soon. I don't know where my place is in the future of the medical field as an RN. I wonder if my passion for things to change will morph my commitment to my work and how I perform. I hope someone reads any experience with an illness and remembers that the person you meet on the street, bank, in line and online is dealing with more than you could possibly imagine and we are all the same. I hope I remember to interact with each individual through my previous experiences but that THIS individual in front of me is NOT any of those experiences and this one is new. Don't drag yesterdays interaction with a person in a similar situation into today's interaction with a different person and remember the situation might be different.
One thing in one of Elena's post hit me and then I remembered several of my strong bad ass cancer survivors felt the same way but it hadn't been drawn forward for me as clear as in the post. When will I forgive myself for getting cancer? When will I forgive my body for betraying me? Given all that I've spouted in the above about the mind and body spirit I must believe the answer to my questions should be yesterday, but I haven't. I can feel the hold is slipping but it's there. When overwhelmed by wanting to do the right thing for me and my body I remember a conversation I had on the Phone with +Chris Dawson about his experience. What I heard him say was one day the worry about what I ate or did went away. The worry won't help just live!
So I go through this process and I share only a snip it with you via this blog. Each worry that I've put to rest I found it's clone or sibling. This week it's about disappointing people and attempting to heal faster than my current pace to avoid disappointing or being a bother. I've not shook this little sucker yet but I'm working on the little mental delinquent that is for sure. Currently I'm suppose to return to work on the 15th. Why, well actually it was a random date picked out of thin air after the first discussion with the doc about surgery recovery. He said two weeks was too short and thought 4 weeks might be too long for me but it's individual. I picked the date sitting in the schedulers office right after discussing anesthesiologist for my surgery in three days. Even my picking was determined by bother and disappointment. I didn't want to miss a friends baby shower, I want that happiness. I don't have any Paid Time off so I didn't want to disappoint our finances. I didn't want to be a bother at work because of being short handed. I din't want my future life and time off with my Wife messed up by this time off for stupid cancer. I didn't want to be a disappointment because I got cancer. Well, right now I'm not ready to return to work to care for your loved ones. If I screw up now it's not a program delay, someone not receiving their product or a simple I'm sorry. Plus until I have full range of motion and my incisions heal I could hurt myself, yet what still drives me, my concern for others….LAME. Yet it is there. We will breathe and see what the doc has to say tomorrow.
No worries, I'll get past this mental delinquent soon and on to others like going back to therapy that I haven't done in oh lets see since I was in 5th grade.Then I'll share more about boobies, tatas and ultimately all the love around me.
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