No thought

As I settle into my spot on the couch, my spot that has formed to me over the past 7+weeks, I wait. I wait for thoughts, feelings, epiphanies, energy, release, sorrow, longing or anything other than the current lacking in the latter.

I've shuffled my ever so energetic Wife off to work the night shift, with a freshly made Caffe Americano in hand and I settle in. I'm surrounded by animals who have resigned themselves that This One, the one in front of them, will offer no entertainment tonight. The most entertainment they hope to see is possibly a bit of enthusiasm from the couch as Shaun White makes an attempt for his third medal in the Halfpipe. Yet if the dogs had checked their twitter account they would know that won't even happen because Shaun doesn't medal!

Wow I can't even imagine what Shaun might be going through right now. I can't even feel what I am going through right now. It almost makes my situation, held in private, seem so much more manageable vs his viewed by greater than 25 million people. Really just so you know this addition of olympics and Shaun White just happened as I was writing and grasping for something to feel.

I feel low and don't know how to feel about that. Is it ok or am I making it wrong. I don't think I'm making it wrong. I seriously just think it's hard to start to feel better and be brought down by things I use to do on a regular basis. I know I'm gaining strength and endurance it just isn't what I'm use to, which I guess is why the void in feeling.

I went back to work last night. Yep, first shift back to work since 12/17/13! No breakdowns occurred but really it ended up not being a normal night, which is probably a blessing. I showed up to work and no one knew I was going to be there! Just a simple scheduling oups which might have worked out for all parties. Due to this error and the short staffing situation I didn't carry my own patient load but instead assisted on the floor where needed. The point of this?

Well, as I started this post you will remember I've settled into my spot on the couch with my second hot toddy of the night. I'm wiped and it wasn't even a normal shift. I'm not saying it is a good or a bad thing, it just is, which I think bothers me more. I don't know what I expected.

I'm healing! That is awesome! Yet its hard to know when to push and when to be ok with the current flow of energy. I must let you in on a bit of a secret, I'm hard on myself. I know it is a shocker!

What I haven't told you is that yesterday wasn't just about work, staying up all night, critically thinking as a nurse, reliving my illness with co-workers or plain ole surviving night shift. Over the past week+ I've been feeling good enough to get out and play. That play of choice has been forced by mother natures hand which delivered over two+ feet of fresh powder in the past week.  My snowboarding curve has gone from excitement to get out, muscle memory finding out that movements just aren't there as previous, falls, cries and encouragement by my amazing wife.

Let me step back a bit. Last season I sold all my back country gear with the hope of buying a new set up this year. I even bought a season pass to Powderhorn. I haven't had a season pass for years! When my diagnosis occurred I waffled back and forth about turning in my pass for a refund and settling to miss this season all together. A friend let me use her slope board so I could just get out. I was so excited on my first day that my body settled in and hit the slopes with a smile that ended up with snow it in. Yep I hit the deck...softly. It didn't matter how soft I hit, I still hit the ground. I hit the ground on a turn that should have caused no problems, in the past. I gathered myself up and continued for a whopping three runs! Of course for days after I felt like I had fractured a rib, did I mention I hit the deck softly? It was a simple over carve resulting in a layout on the toe side.

The next time we went out there was more powder! Yes, amazing, more powder. This should be awesome. My body once again returned to what it knows best....not. After realizing the body could not do what was needed a breakdown occurred. My amazing partner gathered me up and reminding me of how proud she was and that I was loved. After a brief moment in the lodge with healing sweet potato fries and a shared beer lower angle fun was attempted. I was determined to beat this AND smile while being out in the powder.

So if you have lost track that is two times out so far on the board in the past one and a half weeks. Well, there has been more, of course. I went out with a few peeps last Friday and while I still struggled, I had fun. These days out and seeing the progression got me thinking. Why do I have to kiss this season good bye just because of a major surgery? So, after breaking through my I have to be responsible personality I splurged! Come on, of course I was still responsible. I placed my medical bills on a low payment plan to decrease the monthly reminder of the past and be responsible in the same hand. Then, with the assistance from an early birthday present I bought it! I bought a new back country set up! A Storm splitboard by Venture out of Silverton Colorado.

The point? It's all rehab. Even the drive over to Frisco Colorado to purchase the board from it's past owner was rehab. But then, it happened! Comfort, smiles, enthusiasm, powder sprayed, no falls, giggles that were heard by no one, and the excitement of progression. The board and I went out and played in the powder, again, and I felt good. With smiles broad and energy flying from the successful trip out on the board I headed home to take a nap to prep for my first night back to work.

Pause. Have you put it all together yet? I'm just putting it together as I write so congrats if you are ahead of me. I'm hard on myself. I was excited to see my progression and to feel good through the board. Now I am back where I started because I've gone to work and the old muscle memory won't cut it. I have to go into things with a new, and I don't want to. I hate the waiting and the progression to get back to where I was. I want to be above where I was. I wanted to be stronger than I was. That was my plan. Planning to be healthy and go into the biking season stronger than when I left. That isn't the case for anything I take on these days. I will be behind and that is the challenge these days. The challenge of being ok where ever I am and acknowledging how far I've come on all stages not just the current one.

Now I settle back into my spot with a bit more ease than when I started this post. It's ok that I'm tired. I'm not use to working nights let alone doing a sport before work. I'm getting better and that which accelerates me is also what holds me back.