Broken Open

I love my Wife. Each day she surprises me. Each day I love her more. This process that is occurring isn’t just occurring to me but to us. I have never felt more loved and scared.

I am holding on to a very thin line. Between the bouts of panic and clarity She is there creating a clearing for safety, love, action, partnership and the future.

She brought a book home from book club and placed it in my work bag “Broken Open How difficult Times Can Help Us Grow”. I haven’t even made it out of the prelude and I’ve found something that speaks to me. A quote, and the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom. The author speaks about how it was time for her to find out what she really wants.

This process can’t be pushed through or done logically. The feelings must be felt and deciphered and maybe even wagered upon. I’m an Aries; I’m pretty good at putting my head down, pushing through and suppressing that which I really feel.

I’m slowly including more people in the process so I am unable to hide, from myself. This seems to bring some calm and has things slow to a point where recognition and understanding almost occur.

I must sit with these demons and see what I must see, even while every thread of my body is in disbelief, anger and “I don’t wanna”. I need to breathe even when breath is gone. I must be willing to be broken open. Even today, four days out, what I was dead set on has morphed and I must be ok with being open to all the possibilities. Having options at this point is actually more difficult. I desperately want to hold on to that thin line and force it. The tighter I hold the safer space my Wife creates for me to let go and I hear, we will catch you, you will be ok, you can kick this and I feel loved not damaged or broken.