Scratching to get out

I’m sitting in a Hospital. Every nerve is at attention and ready to flee. I’m taking on the fight but right now I just want to run, fast, long, and hard. I can’t because I’m at work. Every thing around me heightens my panic.

Every day I wake in disbelief and hope it is a nightmare. Yet this week pain in my healing breast reminds me that it is real. I look at my pathology results hoping that they were for someone else. I go to my doc appointment hoping we are wrong. I even looked on the surgery schedule to make sure my name is not on the list for Friday, wow was I wrong.

I’ve been ok at work but with each approaching day of my surgery everything at work puts me on edge. I’m not angry or short. I’m actually very generous with my patients and take time to inquire more into them and who they are doing. Not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I create mini connections all throughout my work days. Some are soothing and others make me want to get on my bike and pedal, away from my cancer.

I don’t think I’ve every felt this type of anxiety; lasting, non reactive to breath and numbing. I don’t even think I’ve ever felt this rock climbing. It might have something to do with the trust I place in the person below and that 9-11mm rope that will catch me if I falter.

My community is circling and creating a safe place but I can’t let go. I trust it will be ok in the end. I’m just beyond anxious about the trip. How do you pack for this adventure? What do you bring along to assist you? Well definitely NOT a good bra.

One friend gave me a chant for a meditation earlier I when I was freaking out and could not breathe before coming to work; I couldn’t get out of the truck. LAM (say it like LUM and rhymes with YUM) to ground my root chakra. It works for a bit and then I spin off like a top that’s lost its centrifugal force. I feel like my chest is going to explode, that everything on the inside wants to get OUT.

The mantra with all the other helpful tidbits people have given me do take some of the edge off. However, nothing takes the edge off like flat out experiencing the emotion. OK, I can’t do that at work but I can do it as I write. Could you imagine me running through the hallways screaming saying I’ve got to get out of here, get away from me with your cancer and your disease? Well I almost saw that tonight, boy is that a new experience for me.

As I type I feel like there is a vibration under my skin that I can barely contain. It wants out and now. Maybe I should watch Alien tomorrow night. I’m surprised no one has suggested that amongst all the things that have been suggested. As you read this you might find yourself thrown to give advice, please don’t. Just love me in your own unique way. Make me feel it. Make it palpable. That will support me through this change. Oh and picking me up off my knees and wiping snot off my face will also help.

Through this challenge this week I took on doing something different. I needed something that would intervene with my head and bring me to my heart, breaking the cycle. Each day I will do something, no matter how small, for someone other than me! This has been awesome and very hard to pull off. Yet in the moment of execution things get silent and the vibration changes.