Spectrum

60 days, 60 minutes, or 60 seconds. No matter the time frame I can tell you that I have been hit by the full spectrum of emotions from the language of your choosing. I honestly can't say that I've experienced each emotion and believe there are rides to be had on those upcoming tides.

Last night the tides that rolled were called change. Tomorrow would be the first change since the surgery. My Mother and Sister would leave and return to New Mexico. We will see the doc and find out about the pathology and the hard part, Lydia goes back to work and I will be alone…with myself, my wounds and my pain.

Today, 12/26/2013 at approximately 11:30 we were told the amazing news that the sentinel lymph notes taken during the surgery were negative for cancer. Yes, he said clean, clear, and on both sides. Yes we heard him correctly! He says I am progressing as expected and was pleased with the incisions and my chest shape will continue to change over the next 9 months. On monday 12/30 we will remove the drains. Until then I will have my little JP bulb drains as constant companions with their annoying pain and movement restrictions.

We are blessed and relieved. So relieved that emotion crawled at a slugs pace. We did it! We get more years and decades together! I'm exhausted today and having a hard time handling the pain but my mind and heart are almost quite. I believe they are refueling for the upcoming rides. It's the quietest space I've delved into in a long long time.

I don't want to downplay the choices we made and the resulting surgery to deface my chest, incinerate my breasts and spoil my rack. My boobs tried to kill me! We examined the options and weighed the impact to our lifestyle.  We decided and then we chose to toss the defiant little bitches off a cliff. This choice will impact me forever. I will have the scars to remind me of this 60 day developing swell and we will ride it to completion. I choose to believe "it" is done, "it" will never return and "it" will NOT run my life. All I had to do was choose to maim myself.

Now I must step back into the water and paddle. We will paddle the unknown swell of emotions and changes of the future. I may or may not have something to fill the bikini upon my chest. No matter what I have I will choose it full heartedly. This is me and I choose it. Cancer go fuck yourself and loose my return address!