Cancer Jeans

How do you wear your cancer jeans? Mine? Well, those are actually mountain biking shorts, not jeans. My jeans actually don't fit and I haven't bought a new pair in a really, really long time. On the other hand I just got a new pair of biking shorts just last week for my birthday. 

I'm in awe by human nature.  I'm especially in awe by the humbling nature of cancer warriors. 

This time last year I was struggling to fully recover, damn it, from my surgery. My friend was being diagnosed, facing surgery and possible chemo. We actually did a race together in April as a first race back for me and a last race before her surgery. Boy did I suck in all that rain and mud. 

Tonight I picked up this friend at the airport, bags in tow, looking fab and on her way to Moab. She finished Chemo last year in September and this weekend she races an adventure race in Moab! What do you think was on her mind? It was about how bad she will suck in the race because winter was brutal with tons of snow and no training due to weather. 

UM hello, you are racing! It isn't even a year since being diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. You look fab and oh by the way you had seven sedative procedures last year, chemo and moved to start a new job. Yep, you sucking is the top of my list. Man you should have trained more cuz there is no crying in adventure racing. That is until I saw the naughty christmas costume fall out of your luggage, then I cried. 

So, how do you wear your jeans? Do you wear them at all? Or did you leave them on the line as you sprinted fully into life? 

I'm proud to see this bad ass lady looking awesome head into a fun filled weekend giggling and taking names! I'm frankly just simply glad to see this chic alive. Thanks for reminding me how time flies, how much has been, and will be achieved. 

Free ? ?

Forgive me. Forgive the lack of formulated thought, editing, formatting or grammatical correctness.

I'm almost three beers in and even that isn't slowing the thoughts to a point of capture. I've just has a great day of lawyers, dentists, yoga, rock climbing and a shared parking lot brewski. As I look back at the last post its been a while since I've written. It's December and Saturday is a year since I had surgery. I've definitely been present to dates which hold weight as they pass.....starting of the process, diagnosis, surgery, pain, recovery and the current state of affairs......

Man, life doesn't stop. If you think it does you might need to join me and crack a beer. Just in the past two weeks life has created the following contents on my story, the first death on my table, A death to a love one, worry and concern for the future of the one who was left behind, a friend receives a clean bill of health after 2.5 years of chemo, a year anniversary for me post bilateral mastectomy, my 74 year old mother being asked if she is a marathon runner at her cardiac stress test appointment, my wife being told she needs a needle biopsy, a close friend who approaches her year anniversary reporting her father has stage 3 cancer, speaking to a lawyer about wills/living wills and Power of Attorneys just incase.

WTF. I guess we are just need to enjoy the ride.

As the cat snuggles in on the laptop and I attempt to write, compose and think....it has been a, what is the right adjective, GREAT...NO, not quite it, INTERESTING....that is closer or is it just LIFE?

I decided a few weeks ago that I am interested and committed to starting a cancer survivor program that I've been tossing around in my mind. I'm calling it, for now, Playing in the Dirt -accessing freedom through expressive writing and physical activity. The original idea was about writing and mountain biking and calling it Wride Write  but I was too busy during the riding season to create anything. I had a great talk, or so I think, with a doc and presented the idea in it's infant state of design.

I notice that I'm sensitive. No really, it's true. I know it is a shocker. I discussed the idea with a doc about the idea and hosting it and she seemed totally on board (or that is what I heard). I've been going through the process of checking things out with the cancer center to honor their process and not recreate the wheel and when I touched base today with the doc it sounded like they were moving forward without me. I'm sensitive and it was my idea......I was justing looking for support and fertile ground. How do I let this grow without me or just with part of me??? How do I hang on and create what I am committed too with contribution and other ideas? How do I let this infant go as it wants without shutting down as it goes a direction without me?

I've hit the end of my thoughts other than looking at areas in my life where I might be easily shut down by others of myself. I guess that is my next project.

I hope my next post will be about sharing my year in pictures and maybe that I've been chosen as an ambassador for Juliana bicycles . Yes, I actually applied to be an ambassador. It took a lot. I love that they are all about women and supporting cycling. I love the dirt and riding on it! Seems like a great match.

Cheers to a New Year and thanks for all the support during this journey and life itself!