Free ? ?

Forgive me. Forgive the lack of formulated thought, editing, formatting or grammatical correctness.

I'm almost three beers in and even that isn't slowing the thoughts to a point of capture. I've just has a great day of lawyers, dentists, yoga, rock climbing and a shared parking lot brewski. As I look back at the last post its been a while since I've written. It's December and Saturday is a year since I had surgery. I've definitely been present to dates which hold weight as they pass.....starting of the process, diagnosis, surgery, pain, recovery and the current state of affairs......

Man, life doesn't stop. If you think it does you might need to join me and crack a beer. Just in the past two weeks life has created the following contents on my story, the first death on my table, A death to a love one, worry and concern for the future of the one who was left behind, a friend receives a clean bill of health after 2.5 years of chemo, a year anniversary for me post bilateral mastectomy, my 74 year old mother being asked if she is a marathon runner at her cardiac stress test appointment, my wife being told she needs a needle biopsy, a close friend who approaches her year anniversary reporting her father has stage 3 cancer, speaking to a lawyer about wills/living wills and Power of Attorneys just incase.

WTF. I guess we are just need to enjoy the ride.

As the cat snuggles in on the laptop and I attempt to write, compose and think....it has been a, what is the right adjective, GREAT...NO, not quite it, INTERESTING....that is closer or is it just LIFE?

I decided a few weeks ago that I am interested and committed to starting a cancer survivor program that I've been tossing around in my mind. I'm calling it, for now, Playing in the Dirt -accessing freedom through expressive writing and physical activity. The original idea was about writing and mountain biking and calling it Wride Write  but I was too busy during the riding season to create anything. I had a great talk, or so I think, with a doc and presented the idea in it's infant state of design.

I notice that I'm sensitive. No really, it's true. I know it is a shocker. I discussed the idea with a doc about the idea and hosting it and she seemed totally on board (or that is what I heard). I've been going through the process of checking things out with the cancer center to honor their process and not recreate the wheel and when I touched base today with the doc it sounded like they were moving forward without me. I'm sensitive and it was my idea......I was justing looking for support and fertile ground. How do I let this grow without me or just with part of me??? How do I hang on and create what I am committed too with contribution and other ideas? How do I let this infant go as it wants without shutting down as it goes a direction without me?

I've hit the end of my thoughts other than looking at areas in my life where I might be easily shut down by others of myself. I guess that is my next project.

I hope my next post will be about sharing my year in pictures and maybe that I've been chosen as an ambassador for Juliana bicycles . Yes, I actually applied to be an ambassador. It took a lot. I love that they are all about women and supporting cycling. I love the dirt and riding on it! Seems like a great match.

Cheers to a New Year and thanks for all the support during this journey and life itself!

Kapha

It's spring, in case you didn't notice. This means we are coming out of winter and bringing with it a possible excess of kapha energy.

Kapha energy is grounding, yet if we have too much guess what. Instead of returned vitality of growth and spring buds we get sludge. Increased phlem, depression and more.

We need Kapha energy to lubricate our joints as we jump up and hit the dirt with spring in our teeth. Yet if we don't honor it we will end up with an imbalance that feels like cement chains holding us down.

Careful, don't invite lightness and loftyness into your life otherwise Vata will rule. No way you will be able to choose or have smooth joints to jump if she gets out of balance.

Why isn't it easy? Seeds seem to do it so naturally. They seem to effortlessly jump from mother earth with the energy to tackle life. They aren't weighing the doshas with such calculation, as I.

My pita has puttered, my kapha and Vata battle it out like a prize MMA fighter...with me as the under weight contender.

Depression, sinus sludge and self loathing are abundant, for me. Not sprigs of growth, wonder and change. I'm healing from the dreaded C word and prepping for a best friend to tackle the dreaded C. How will her surgery and healing be different given the ayurvedic seasons? Hers done in the changing light of spring while mine was in the darkness of winter?? Or another way to say it...hers in the height of Vata and mine during Kapha? Yes, I know it's not that simple.

I'm told the difference will be the distinction between sukah and dukha and no those aren't planets in the republic. They are the difference between good and bad space. Well duh.

No really, as cynical as I am it's about balancing through poses(asana) breath and more. Breath is referred to as pranayama or often known as life force.

If interested please look into the different asanas and pranayama techniques for balancing your over or under abundance of Kapha.

I myself am going to figure out how to listen to my body and my past knowledge to create a happy balance. It seems impossible but that has to be my excess Kapha talking.

Right now I've added in acupuncture, massage, manual lymph drainage, mountain biking, kinesio taping, ART, a bit of alcohol(not suggested) and self love in an attempt to find a middle point in which I might feel empowered. This list doesn't count for the asana, breathing and food which I've yet figured out how to sprout into my daily life, versus my mental life.

It's spring, get after it! Even if you feel like you can't! The knowledge and assistance are out there! Let the death and dying of mother nature's winter feed your soul!

Create a goal and hold on to it as if your life depends, because it does. Then, get a bigger problem than you, and you will find the flow.

Can You Hear Me?

Speak to me.
Come on, it's safe, just tell me what you need.
Man I wish you'd been taught sign language at birth so you could express to me what you need through words!
Why won't you communicate in a way I understand so I might meet your needs and satisfy?
This doesn't make sense. I'm ok. You are ok. We ARE ok.
Why can't I find anything that will give you energy?
How about this? Not that? Then what?
Busy? See friends? Travel? Hide at home? Work out? Walk? Sleep?
Come on tell me what is wrong and what you need.

This is me trying to have a mental and or physical conversation with my emotional body. Which, clearly has not produced the result I want as tears roll down my face.

My wonderful friend Heather Peterson takes two seconds on a call with me and lays out the impact of the emotional body. It hits home so much my emotional body screams out as someone hears its pain. I called to request other meditations, any meditations, in her voice so as to calm and center me....and through the phone a thousand miles away she picks up the exact chakra needing some love and hears and introduces me to my emotional body.

The physical body is healing but the emotional body is still sending out messages to a deaf ear. It's been rallying the troops, circling the wagons and padding the heart. No one has been answering or heading its call to arms in a way that it feels heard. Why? Because it can only communicate in the emotional world and I desperately want out of that world.

This phone call cannot be recreated because it wasn't for my mental body to hear. So I sit and work to now create a healing space for my emotional body. Letting others guide me through the dark as they heed the communication of my emotional body.

You will be heard. I will be listen to you and you have done your duty!
Please rest and reinvigorate yourself.