Cancer Jeans

How do you wear your cancer jeans? Mine? Well, those are actually mountain biking shorts, not jeans. My jeans actually don't fit and I haven't bought a new pair in a really, really long time. On the other hand I just got a new pair of biking shorts just last week for my birthday. 

I'm in awe by human nature.  I'm especially in awe by the humbling nature of cancer warriors. 

This time last year I was struggling to fully recover, damn it, from my surgery. My friend was being diagnosed, facing surgery and possible chemo. We actually did a race together in April as a first race back for me and a last race before her surgery. Boy did I suck in all that rain and mud. 

Tonight I picked up this friend at the airport, bags in tow, looking fab and on her way to Moab. She finished Chemo last year in September and this weekend she races an adventure race in Moab! What do you think was on her mind? It was about how bad she will suck in the race because winter was brutal with tons of snow and no training due to weather. 

UM hello, you are racing! It isn't even a year since being diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. You look fab and oh by the way you had seven sedative procedures last year, chemo and moved to start a new job. Yep, you sucking is the top of my list. Man you should have trained more cuz there is no crying in adventure racing. That is until I saw the naughty christmas costume fall out of your luggage, then I cried. 

So, how do you wear your jeans? Do you wear them at all? Or did you leave them on the line as you sprinted fully into life? 

I'm proud to see this bad ass lady looking awesome head into a fun filled weekend giggling and taking names! I'm frankly just simply glad to see this chic alive. Thanks for reminding me how time flies, how much has been, and will be achieved. 

Free ? ?

Forgive me. Forgive the lack of formulated thought, editing, formatting or grammatical correctness.

I'm almost three beers in and even that isn't slowing the thoughts to a point of capture. I've just has a great day of lawyers, dentists, yoga, rock climbing and a shared parking lot brewski. As I look back at the last post its been a while since I've written. It's December and Saturday is a year since I had surgery. I've definitely been present to dates which hold weight as they pass.....starting of the process, diagnosis, surgery, pain, recovery and the current state of affairs......

Man, life doesn't stop. If you think it does you might need to join me and crack a beer. Just in the past two weeks life has created the following contents on my story, the first death on my table, A death to a love one, worry and concern for the future of the one who was left behind, a friend receives a clean bill of health after 2.5 years of chemo, a year anniversary for me post bilateral mastectomy, my 74 year old mother being asked if she is a marathon runner at her cardiac stress test appointment, my wife being told she needs a needle biopsy, a close friend who approaches her year anniversary reporting her father has stage 3 cancer, speaking to a lawyer about wills/living wills and Power of Attorneys just incase.

WTF. I guess we are just need to enjoy the ride.

As the cat snuggles in on the laptop and I attempt to write, compose and think....it has been a, what is the right adjective, GREAT...NO, not quite it, INTERESTING....that is closer or is it just LIFE?

I decided a few weeks ago that I am interested and committed to starting a cancer survivor program that I've been tossing around in my mind. I'm calling it, for now, Playing in the Dirt -accessing freedom through expressive writing and physical activity. The original idea was about writing and mountain biking and calling it Wride Write  but I was too busy during the riding season to create anything. I had a great talk, or so I think, with a doc and presented the idea in it's infant state of design.

I notice that I'm sensitive. No really, it's true. I know it is a shocker. I discussed the idea with a doc about the idea and hosting it and she seemed totally on board (or that is what I heard). I've been going through the process of checking things out with the cancer center to honor their process and not recreate the wheel and when I touched base today with the doc it sounded like they were moving forward without me. I'm sensitive and it was my idea......I was justing looking for support and fertile ground. How do I let this grow without me or just with part of me??? How do I hang on and create what I am committed too with contribution and other ideas? How do I let this infant go as it wants without shutting down as it goes a direction without me?

I've hit the end of my thoughts other than looking at areas in my life where I might be easily shut down by others of myself. I guess that is my next project.

I hope my next post will be about sharing my year in pictures and maybe that I've been chosen as an ambassador for Juliana bicycles . Yes, I actually applied to be an ambassador. It took a lot. I love that they are all about women and supporting cycling. I love the dirt and riding on it! Seems like a great match.

Cheers to a New Year and thanks for all the support during this journey and life itself!

Let's

Let me be honest, I've had tough times

My friend lost a parent this year
Mine, are still living.

My cousin lost a child
It wasn't my mine.

A friend's brother took his own life
My sister lives.

Several friends battle cancer
I'm not in chemo.

My friend died
I wasn't his sister, mother or daughter.

Do I need to spell it out?
Each time broke me down
Etched away at who I am
To be the one I am today
who believed she'd had tough times.

I HAD cancer
I fear it's return.

It made me question everything about myself.
This thing the Doctor sits me down and tells me I have
eats away at my foundation, my beliefs.

The Spanish inquisition is released on my every fiber
My Personality, relationship, nutrition, spirituality all come under fire.

The not knowing what to believe
The pure questioning in itself, painful

The body heals
The energy returns
The mind must be kept in check


I've been off the radar because I've been hiding. I pulled away from my family because the last time they saw me was 5 days out of surgery and to them I'm still that person. My friends have moved on and seem to have forgotten which gives me space. I've hidden long enough to emerge as someone different or someone who never had cancer. Someone who never had body changing surgery. Someone who questions everything that has gotten her here today. 

It's been tough but I'm coming out of it. I went off line when my pain became chronic. I returned too soon to work. I was unprepared for how much work and my surgery would drain me so I hid. I fell off the grid and tried to get back on my bike. It didn't help that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer and then had to go through chemo. 

Due to pain I had to back off the bike so I hid more. It's like the bike was the true time eraser. I wanted back on! 
Then it happened, I starting having less pain, and work starting flowing. 

Now I've been off the radar due to riding the bike, and trying to keep up with my wife. No, not a complete time eraser but pretty damn good. Stay tuned for updates moving forward and I'll attempt to get us caught up from the past. I'm still hiding and enjoying spending time with myself. 

Breastie

I post this blog with the title Breastie in honor of a lovely dear friend of mine's birthday. She has nicknamed me her Breastie as we have fallen down a rocky path together called breast cancer. Her 36th birthday is tomorrow and she is two weeks out from her first of four chemo treatments, all to give her a decreased recurrence rate..........this is all I can write on this subject right now.

It has been a while since I posted, all the way back to April 9th. At that point we were just dealing with my chronic discomfort and my friends new diagnosis and surgery. As I was slipping and crawling up to the surface, her diagnosis hit too close to home, shaking my world and allow me to slip further. I know, I fell of the face of blogging world and I'm not ready to be responsible for that yet.

I'm aware of the time and all the things that have occurred since my last post but don't look to this post to bring us up to date. I'm kicking ass and feeling great, by the way.   For those of you who did follow my last post, I HAVE seen differences in our two surgeries given the changes in the seasonal energy!

April was a dark time for me and I hope to post on this more soon. The purpose of this blog it to say to someone and therefore be accountable, that I'm back. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my friends birthday as she boldly goes forth into her future.  Happy friggin 36th birthday and YES next year we both get redo birthday events! It will happen!

We all have those friends that fade due to geographical changes. Well, to my sadness my Breastie is moving to VT in August after chemo is finished. Life is throwing another opportunity for me to be or act differently than I have in the past....what will I do.

We sat on the front steps today, red wine in hand (you got me drunk by the way), front door wide open pushing swamp cooler air over our shoulders and discussed...life. We discussed, work, passions, education, future, families, food, health and more.  We made promises to each other to stay close and discussed where that has fallen out in the past, more apparently on my side than hers. We are now promising to do one race, mountain bike of course, together somewhere in the US each year. We will have this to look forward to and push each other, or lovingly rag, from afar.  This blog is a public declaration that we, Breasties, will do one race per year together.

I'm also asking that it be about the bike and not about our history with cancer. We have that as a connection, it is true. Yet I don't want our passion and connection to only come from cancer. We were biking badass buddies before cancer and that is what I will hold on to, not the cancer.

Happy Birthday, I love you and almost can't comprehend you not being within biking distance and that tonight might be the last time we will get to hand out in a long while......sad face. But I'm ok, right....on to the next subject:) enough of that as you would say.

To all my friends I've lost contact with due to geographical positioning, it happens, now what are we going to do about it? I know you all are close to me in my heart and I'd do anything for you but I miss your voices, your touches, your ever relentless pushing for the next thing. What promises do we need to make....and keep?

Kapha

It's spring, in case you didn't notice. This means we are coming out of winter and bringing with it a possible excess of kapha energy.

Kapha energy is grounding, yet if we have too much guess what. Instead of returned vitality of growth and spring buds we get sludge. Increased phlem, depression and more.

We need Kapha energy to lubricate our joints as we jump up and hit the dirt with spring in our teeth. Yet if we don't honor it we will end up with an imbalance that feels like cement chains holding us down.

Careful, don't invite lightness and loftyness into your life otherwise Vata will rule. No way you will be able to choose or have smooth joints to jump if she gets out of balance.

Why isn't it easy? Seeds seem to do it so naturally. They seem to effortlessly jump from mother earth with the energy to tackle life. They aren't weighing the doshas with such calculation, as I.

My pita has puttered, my kapha and Vata battle it out like a prize MMA fighter...with me as the under weight contender.

Depression, sinus sludge and self loathing are abundant, for me. Not sprigs of growth, wonder and change. I'm healing from the dreaded C word and prepping for a best friend to tackle the dreaded C. How will her surgery and healing be different given the ayurvedic seasons? Hers done in the changing light of spring while mine was in the darkness of winter?? Or another way to say it...hers in the height of Vata and mine during Kapha? Yes, I know it's not that simple.

I'm told the difference will be the distinction between sukah and dukha and no those aren't planets in the republic. They are the difference between good and bad space. Well duh.

No really, as cynical as I am it's about balancing through poses(asana) breath and more. Breath is referred to as pranayama or often known as life force.

If interested please look into the different asanas and pranayama techniques for balancing your over or under abundance of Kapha.

I myself am going to figure out how to listen to my body and my past knowledge to create a happy balance. It seems impossible but that has to be my excess Kapha talking.

Right now I've added in acupuncture, massage, manual lymph drainage, mountain biking, kinesio taping, ART, a bit of alcohol(not suggested) and self love in an attempt to find a middle point in which I might feel empowered. This list doesn't count for the asana, breathing and food which I've yet figured out how to sprout into my daily life, versus my mental life.

It's spring, get after it! Even if you feel like you can't! The knowledge and assistance are out there! Let the death and dying of mother nature's winter feed your soul!

Create a goal and hold on to it as if your life depends, because it does. Then, get a bigger problem than you, and you will find the flow.

Post Op - 2 months

I had planned this really cool post for my two month post but instead I've been outdoors playing in the dirt, snow and sun. Oh and don't forget I'm back to work which is kicking my butt. I did work on a resource section that will be an ever growing creature and got it posted today....

So this is my two month post!

It's been two months
     Wholly Cow!

It feels like it has been forever.

It's only been two months
     jeepers creepers!

I'm not back to 100%, but
    I'm going in the right direction.

It's been two months-
     since a bilateral mastectomy-
          You have to be kidding me!

I can't wait for the next two months to pass this slow
     Cuz I'll only have one more month of training left
          before the Gunny Growler....YEEK

Jeepers Creepers
     It's been two months!

That is all I have time to say
as the sun rays call me forth.

I have to get outside!

It's been two months
    and I'm alive and loved!

Perfect Ride

After rehabbing from my work schedule, a whopping one night shift in a row, it is time to get outside. I must get out because the sun is going to shine today. Plus I'll have a few days to recover before my next night shift. I checked the weather, sun today, and choose my sport; mountain bike ride.

I packed the truck with my ride companions. Our dogs, Johnny and Basil and my new companion. I've had this companion for two months now. Lets call my new companion Pmit (pressure, muscle irritation, tourniquet).

Outfitting myself these days has been challenging and sometimes takes a bit. Instead of leaving the house looking cool I look as if I won't be back for days with bags stuffed with various outfits and things. Yes- Things. Things I might or might not need! Today's outfit consisted of the following:
Bike shorts and Vest from my old racing kit (since my girth is outside normal cool mbt clothes)
WarmFront Chest warmer(1/4 of the way through the ride it gets turned around and flys out like a cape)
Standard affair (bike shoes, Gloves, Glasses and Helmet)
Saddle bag (not up for wearing a backpack yet)
One arm warmer (just to keep my companion happy)

At first I just roll out on the frontage road with my four legged companions and of course Pmit is right there as well. The plan is to give the dogs a run and see how the trails are on this fine february day. I'm feeling a bit slow and head back to the truck to drop off my companions.

Next, there is no plan but go explore and maybe hit up Rustler's if it is dry. As I rolled past Mary's loop I looked up and said boy I wish. Then I rolled back around and said why not give it a try. As I'm pedaling I'm quite surprised that I can keep going. Then as I'm hitting the first break on the hill a guy facing down hill says I wish I was that strong. Wow if he only knew, pops across my brain quickly followed by what are you talking about. Then a friend rolls past me and I yell his name which is clearly not heard over the blaring mind focusing tunes. I hop back on and chase after him, I kept up with him until the first large step up and then had to let him go. Yet it felt good, hard but good. I am shocked and stunned. I keep going...

I keep waiting for my turn around point, it must be around the corner. This is the first "real" mountain bike ride I've had for a long time. In a couple of days I'll be 2 months out from my surgery. Crazy!

I kept pedaling. The mind, heart, lungs and legs never voicing a negative opinion. Only my trusty companion, that I was unable to leave back at the truck with the dogs, hinted with each mile that maybe this was too much. Then I'd clear an obstacle or catch the view of the Colorado River and keep going.

As I approached the last hill climb, I had energy in my legs, and the laughter and tears ensued. I soon had to clear my eyes to avoid obtaining any Thai Tattoo's. Road Rash will forever be called this thanks to +Jesse Lanci and +Kate Graham's recent trip to Thailand.

I'm left smiling, sore, happy and ready for more! Now I must balance getting time on that new snowboard and getting dirt between my teeth.

Healing is a process and I hope that through this process I find more power than I lost!

No thought

As I settle into my spot on the couch, my spot that has formed to me over the past 7+weeks, I wait. I wait for thoughts, feelings, epiphanies, energy, release, sorrow, longing or anything other than the current lacking in the latter.

I've shuffled my ever so energetic Wife off to work the night shift, with a freshly made Caffe Americano in hand and I settle in. I'm surrounded by animals who have resigned themselves that This One, the one in front of them, will offer no entertainment tonight. The most entertainment they hope to see is possibly a bit of enthusiasm from the couch as Shaun White makes an attempt for his third medal in the Halfpipe. Yet if the dogs had checked their twitter account they would know that won't even happen because Shaun doesn't medal!

Wow I can't even imagine what Shaun might be going through right now. I can't even feel what I am going through right now. It almost makes my situation, held in private, seem so much more manageable vs his viewed by greater than 25 million people. Really just so you know this addition of olympics and Shaun White just happened as I was writing and grasping for something to feel.

I feel low and don't know how to feel about that. Is it ok or am I making it wrong. I don't think I'm making it wrong. I seriously just think it's hard to start to feel better and be brought down by things I use to do on a regular basis. I know I'm gaining strength and endurance it just isn't what I'm use to, which I guess is why the void in feeling.

I went back to work last night. Yep, first shift back to work since 12/17/13! No breakdowns occurred but really it ended up not being a normal night, which is probably a blessing. I showed up to work and no one knew I was going to be there! Just a simple scheduling oups which might have worked out for all parties. Due to this error and the short staffing situation I didn't carry my own patient load but instead assisted on the floor where needed. The point of this?

Well, as I started this post you will remember I've settled into my spot on the couch with my second hot toddy of the night. I'm wiped and it wasn't even a normal shift. I'm not saying it is a good or a bad thing, it just is, which I think bothers me more. I don't know what I expected.

I'm healing! That is awesome! Yet its hard to know when to push and when to be ok with the current flow of energy. I must let you in on a bit of a secret, I'm hard on myself. I know it is a shocker!

What I haven't told you is that yesterday wasn't just about work, staying up all night, critically thinking as a nurse, reliving my illness with co-workers or plain ole surviving night shift. Over the past week+ I've been feeling good enough to get out and play. That play of choice has been forced by mother natures hand which delivered over two+ feet of fresh powder in the past week.  My snowboarding curve has gone from excitement to get out, muscle memory finding out that movements just aren't there as previous, falls, cries and encouragement by my amazing wife.

Let me step back a bit. Last season I sold all my back country gear with the hope of buying a new set up this year. I even bought a season pass to Powderhorn. I haven't had a season pass for years! When my diagnosis occurred I waffled back and forth about turning in my pass for a refund and settling to miss this season all together. A friend let me use her slope board so I could just get out. I was so excited on my first day that my body settled in and hit the slopes with a smile that ended up with snow it in. Yep I hit the deck...softly. It didn't matter how soft I hit, I still hit the ground. I hit the ground on a turn that should have caused no problems, in the past. I gathered myself up and continued for a whopping three runs! Of course for days after I felt like I had fractured a rib, did I mention I hit the deck softly? It was a simple over carve resulting in a layout on the toe side.

The next time we went out there was more powder! Yes, amazing, more powder. This should be awesome. My body once again returned to what it knows best....not. After realizing the body could not do what was needed a breakdown occurred. My amazing partner gathered me up and reminding me of how proud she was and that I was loved. After a brief moment in the lodge with healing sweet potato fries and a shared beer lower angle fun was attempted. I was determined to beat this AND smile while being out in the powder.

So if you have lost track that is two times out so far on the board in the past one and a half weeks. Well, there has been more, of course. I went out with a few peeps last Friday and while I still struggled, I had fun. These days out and seeing the progression got me thinking. Why do I have to kiss this season good bye just because of a major surgery? So, after breaking through my I have to be responsible personality I splurged! Come on, of course I was still responsible. I placed my medical bills on a low payment plan to decrease the monthly reminder of the past and be responsible in the same hand. Then, with the assistance from an early birthday present I bought it! I bought a new back country set up! A Storm splitboard by Venture out of Silverton Colorado.

The point? It's all rehab. Even the drive over to Frisco Colorado to purchase the board from it's past owner was rehab. But then, it happened! Comfort, smiles, enthusiasm, powder sprayed, no falls, giggles that were heard by no one, and the excitement of progression. The board and I went out and played in the powder, again, and I felt good. With smiles broad and energy flying from the successful trip out on the board I headed home to take a nap to prep for my first night back to work.

Pause. Have you put it all together yet? I'm just putting it together as I write so congrats if you are ahead of me. I'm hard on myself. I was excited to see my progression and to feel good through the board. Now I am back where I started because I've gone to work and the old muscle memory won't cut it. I have to go into things with a new, and I don't want to. I hate the waiting and the progression to get back to where I was. I want to be above where I was. I wanted to be stronger than I was. That was my plan. Planning to be healthy and go into the biking season stronger than when I left. That isn't the case for anything I take on these days. I will be behind and that is the challenge these days. The challenge of being ok where ever I am and acknowledging how far I've come on all stages not just the current one.

Now I settle back into my spot with a bit more ease than when I started this post. It's ok that I'm tired. I'm not use to working nights let alone doing a sport before work. I'm getting better and that which accelerates me is also what holds me back.

The Key

No matter what,
it doesn't matter.

No matter the -
analyzation, advice, hindsight, should nots, wishing, knowledge, pushing, pulling, crying, screaming, gathered information, theories applied, altered patterns, food eaten or avoided, where you wanted to be, where you were going...
It is what it is.

Even the knowing -
     No matter what you do it will be what it is
won't help.

The internal struggle or external struggle
matters not -
It will be what it is

Nothing matters -
nothing will change
     This is where I'm at -
Where I'm at won't change
     no matter what -
It is what it is.

Knowing I'm on a rats wheel
won't change
    that I'm still going in circles -
It won't matter.

Nothing will alter the
current course or where I am right now-
It is what it is.

Pure acceptance
will change you and your perspective.
You will still be where you are
Nothing will change that,
but you will change.

Now I'm in my cage
knowing that I'm running circles -
No matter where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do,
will change.

I run for acceptance -
a fleeting and brief peace occurs, as
I close in on my prey.

It sounded so soft and fluffy,
this prey.
Achievable and easy.

Come on, really, this is all I have to do -
Accept where I am?
It seems so easy.

No matter -
my gaming skills, the fleeting thought that I'm sneaky, the speed at which I can run, my cunning wits, Yoga, Meditation, writing, napping, affirmations, therapy, cancer surviver books, confirmations, acknowledgment of how far I've come and where I'm at now….
Makes my prey no easier to catch!!!!

I Promised...

This post has been rattling around inside me for 30 days now. I told you that I would communicate my thoughts on boobies and I've not lied but at this point it can't all be expressed, sorted, and made pretty with bows on top. Whether this is for the woman, the man or society itself I'm clear there is a ton of sexuality, femininity, beauty and the ability to be sexy currently wrapped up in the boob. Even the term you might use to describe the female breast varies as much as the shape they come in…

Cantaloupes
Boulders
Boobies
Glands
Grapefruits
Honkers
Hooters
Tits
Titties
Bosom
Highbeams
Tatas
Mellons
Rack
Nips
Knockers
Women's secret Source of Power
Should I continue???? I think not but feel free to add to the list, day dream or move on but no touching.

I'm clear I still have no idea how my breasts defined me and now have a new relationship to develop (couldn't avoid that one). My scars I will have to learn to love, imbrace and dress up just as I did with my breasts. I will need to learn new definitions, stories and gain empowerment from my current remodeled body.

Instead of this post being about my view on to have or not have breasts I decided to have some fun. Too much seriousness around this subject. I hope you find the love, admiration and fun that I do.

During my Month I have had many of people share their tata begone dance but not all of those people agreed for me to share what they shared. Probably because I forgot to ask but all the same those are just for me. I did have a group of six women who decided to have a very empowering day painting up their boobies for me! Yep all for me! Ok maybe it was for themselves as well but come on.

I've been given permission to share their pics as long as no identification is given and faces are not shared. I smiled, cried and laughed when my friend shared the pics with me. This woman decided to honor my journey by sharing it with other ladies and creating art. These women took it on and moved it into a journey of their own. A journey of self love and acknowledgement. I have incorporated my own self love and acknowledgement into this slideshow as well. If the slide show does not show up below you can use this link to view the slideshow on tatas .

tatas - slideshow

Time Flies?

My mind is spinning a bit which makes starting a new post difficult but I say we give it a try anyway.

One month has snuck by since I underwent surgery for a Bilateral Mastectomy with sentinel node dissection which occurred during early afternoon on 12/20/13. I'm healing, all at different paces but I am healing my physical, emotional and mental body. Each one has proven to have very different challenges and needs. I can tell you that I've not done this alone and could not have done this alone. The community has played a vital part during this past month and I'm sure it will be the same in the coming months. Thank you so so much. I'm glad to say there are too many of you to thank personally in this blog. If you are reading this blog then you are one of those nameless people.

I have holes in my timeline and memory but I'm sure if you interviewed my Wife she would say that wasn't anything new. To intervene in these gaps I've moved all my get well cards into our office and sat and read them during a non-narcotic high. It has been utterly amazing at how many people have shown up in our lives. What I mean by showing up is that they became visible that they are in my life and not just during the kick ass adventures. Hmm I guess this was an ass kicking adventure. People showed up via personal phone calls, cards, amazing packages of joy sent via post of dropped at our door, christmas shopping completed for my wife to insure she had something to open, emails of love and advice, meals cooked, parties thrown, kitchens cleaned, showers given, hair washed, clothes removed, fluid drained, time spent, miles driven, laughs caused, tears wiped, follow up texts/calls, meditations given and phone calls taken at all hours. During this process I've even been given insight. Insight into where I have not shown up for my friends and family in the past. I just received a box of joy from a long time friend +Shelly and we had an amazing conversation where we discussed my lacking of show during her transition of the loss of her father. Truly amazing call and love shared during this call of admitting what was lacking. I say pick your head up and see where you need to show up and go do it.

It is amazing at how much information there is out in the world that can overwhelm and or inform at the same time. I feel there are plenty of things that I could have been told that would have helped me down this journey and I hope my blog will be that for others. One of my recent tidbits given to me by a lovely friend, +Sharon, about wearing a tight top to assist the Lymph to learn a new path might just change my recovery speed. I've been having pain in my right side that the MD isn't relieving through advice or meds. The best description I have is that it is like having a tourniquet from the top of my peck under my arm and up to the top of my scapula. Remember timing and knowledge always play a factor but I was not told this advice by my MD. Sharon shared that her OT told her to wear tight tops to lovingly convince the lymph to flow. I say lovingly because I tried tight things early on and the pain was too much under that darn right arm. This week I received a love box from +Sara Rice with a new top and guess what? It fits tight so I wouldn't wear it. After my advice I went and grabbed that tight top and wiggled into it. Last night was the first night that by the end of the day I didn't want to dig into my arm and find a find a pressure release valve. When I woke this morning I performed the same ritual of wiggling into the tight top with pleasure! Tomorrow I start PT and can't wait for new info to change my course on this long road of healing.

My point is, during a process like this you will get lots of peoples views/advice/suggestions/hints/support and I suggest that you try it on for size and see how it fits. No matter how the information comes across your radar screen just try it on for size and if it fits keep it and if it doesn't, leave it for another time because who knows it might fit later.

If this post seems to drop off a cliff and it felt it should have gone somewhere else I apologize because I lost my train of thought. I'm healing and starting to see progress which makes me feel good. It's been a while since I felt progress. I exhausted myself last week traveling to Denver to see my dad who was once again in ICU and was worried I would never see progress. I survived the week driving up and down I-25, my dad is healing and facing a longer recovery than me. I told him that we make a pair but I don't think it made him laugh like it did me.

One month down and here is to a healthier time and healing hand over fist. I look forward to getting stronger and the upcoming biking season. I still hope to get in some powder days. Funny or not so funny that this is the first season that I've bought a season pass in over a decade. Oh well…

I know I've promised you all my post on boobies and it is coming!

Waves

What I have been surfing these past few days must be those types of waves people talk about, aren’t they called mavericks? You know the type of wave that people hear about from around the world but very few witness and those do don’t get to live to tell about it.

Some moments I feel ok, calm and maybe in control and then it hits out of no where. The wave of disbelief, anger, confusion and despair take me under. There is nothing to do but fight for air. Sometimes after the passing of a wave there is nothing left and for an instant I experience silence. No matter what stage I find myself in I am very thankful for all those around me, especially my wife and some very humble cancer survivors who are currently in the throws of beating the big C!

Mostly I have felt like my heart is going to explode inside my chest or I have to push it from my throat just so I can breathe. I yell and scream and want to punch or kick my way out of where I am, trapped.

Why me is such a stupid question but it comes up. The list of things I’ve done that should have bought me a pass comes rushing in and then I fall. I dust myself off or my lovely wife picks me up off the floor where I’ve fallen to a heap and I wait for the next set to roll in.

The worst is I can’t sleep or yet it’s when I have fallen asleep and I wake and my mind thrashes out, teeth bared and everything is bloody. The incision wakes me and I want to scream.

I don’t want to make these decisions. I don’t want to manage a disease the rest of my life. I want it over and I want it over now. I don’t want to deal with the emotional trials that I’ve been entered into.

I wait a few more days and meet with the doctor to create a plan. Each day gets, quieter so to speak or maybe more numb. I don’t have all the information yet and my mind jumps, races, tackling ideas and decisions. I try and find out info so I will be able to ask the right questions or more importantly I try and figure out how I feel and what I want. This being the hardest part of the equation, how do I feel and what do I want.

I currently have the understanding, weather it is correct or not, that the removal of the breast tissue would halt/stop the disease. I would not have future management of the disease. I won’t know for sure if that is the case until Tuesday. However, I’ve already told the Doctor, take the damn tissue because I can’t live with the worry in the back of my mind with frequent treatments or screenings. I’m really not that attached to the tissue enough for it to kill me. Mostly I saw how I reacted to working my way through the diagnosis and the waiting and the worrying and that was crippling. My hope is to get connected to what I want/feel so that some decisions can be made this Tuesday. I’m trying to take some steps back from the situation instead of just saying cut them off now. This is of course when logic is triggered vs. pure raw emotion. Yet, as logical as I can be I feel I must claw through this sticky rawness to find me on the other side.

As the days have progressed and more since the incision, I’m discovering that I might have some attachments to that damn tissue. Ahh, the next mental mind fuck and rat race…

10:30am 12/12/13

I sit in the waiting room and stare down at the paper. Surely I can read and interpret this simple report. The report clearly states in black and white that the micro calcifications were classified as DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). The mind stops, the heart goes into my throat and I get up and walk out. To debunk what I am reading I call my friend who is a Nurse Practitioner and ask if she will read the report since I haven’t heard from the doc. I meet her at the Library and then at 10:42 the doc calls me and we talk for 12min. These 12 minutes will change my life…

He confirms that it is indeed DCIS. He expresses that it isn’t invasive cancer, that is good, and can only come from the breast tissue. We discuss what it means, options and how difficult choosing the next step can be with DCIS. The issue with DCIS is that it can turn invasive and some forms have a higher likely hood than others but there are good manageable options. We talk a bit about how I feel and any questions I have at the moment. He confirms that we have a scheduled follow up on the 17th to discuss further options and more Q&A time. In this discussion I impart to him that I do not wish to manage this but want it gone. I don’t want radiation, lumpectomy and 5 years of estrogen blocking medications. I am not committed enough to saving the tissue to manage to have the mental and emotional damage waiting to see if it will come back, grow or damage my body through radiation and drugs. I want it out and now.

He imparts to me that he could definitely find time to do the mastectomy before the end of the year and would block time in his schedule toward the end of the week BUT that Tuesday we would discuss options and see where we are at then. He also made it clear that where he could do the mastectomy by the end of the year the possibility of doing all that is needed (consults with plastic surgeons, and more) that he saw no way to complete a reconstruction by the end of the year.

Now I move forward???