Cancer Jeans

How do you wear your cancer jeans? Mine? Well, those are actually mountain biking shorts, not jeans. My jeans actually don't fit and I haven't bought a new pair in a really, really long time. On the other hand I just got a new pair of biking shorts just last week for my birthday. 

I'm in awe by human nature.  I'm especially in awe by the humbling nature of cancer warriors. 

This time last year I was struggling to fully recover, damn it, from my surgery. My friend was being diagnosed, facing surgery and possible chemo. We actually did a race together in April as a first race back for me and a last race before her surgery. Boy did I suck in all that rain and mud. 

Tonight I picked up this friend at the airport, bags in tow, looking fab and on her way to Moab. She finished Chemo last year in September and this weekend she races an adventure race in Moab! What do you think was on her mind? It was about how bad she will suck in the race because winter was brutal with tons of snow and no training due to weather. 

UM hello, you are racing! It isn't even a year since being diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. You look fab and oh by the way you had seven sedative procedures last year, chemo and moved to start a new job. Yep, you sucking is the top of my list. Man you should have trained more cuz there is no crying in adventure racing. That is until I saw the naughty christmas costume fall out of your luggage, then I cried. 

So, how do you wear your jeans? Do you wear them at all? Or did you leave them on the line as you sprinted fully into life? 

I'm proud to see this bad ass lady looking awesome head into a fun filled weekend giggling and taking names! I'm frankly just simply glad to see this chic alive. Thanks for reminding me how time flies, how much has been, and will be achieved. 

Post Op - 2 months

I had planned this really cool post for my two month post but instead I've been outdoors playing in the dirt, snow and sun. Oh and don't forget I'm back to work which is kicking my butt. I did work on a resource section that will be an ever growing creature and got it posted today....

So this is my two month post!

It's been two months
     Wholly Cow!

It feels like it has been forever.

It's only been two months
     jeepers creepers!

I'm not back to 100%, but
    I'm going in the right direction.

It's been two months-
     since a bilateral mastectomy-
          You have to be kidding me!

I can't wait for the next two months to pass this slow
     Cuz I'll only have one more month of training left
          before the Gunny Growler....YEEK

Jeepers Creepers
     It's been two months!

That is all I have time to say
as the sun rays call me forth.

I have to get outside!

It's been two months
    and I'm alive and loved!

Perfect Ride

After rehabbing from my work schedule, a whopping one night shift in a row, it is time to get outside. I must get out because the sun is going to shine today. Plus I'll have a few days to recover before my next night shift. I checked the weather, sun today, and choose my sport; mountain bike ride.

I packed the truck with my ride companions. Our dogs, Johnny and Basil and my new companion. I've had this companion for two months now. Lets call my new companion Pmit (pressure, muscle irritation, tourniquet).

Outfitting myself these days has been challenging and sometimes takes a bit. Instead of leaving the house looking cool I look as if I won't be back for days with bags stuffed with various outfits and things. Yes- Things. Things I might or might not need! Today's outfit consisted of the following:
Bike shorts and Vest from my old racing kit (since my girth is outside normal cool mbt clothes)
WarmFront Chest warmer(1/4 of the way through the ride it gets turned around and flys out like a cape)
Standard affair (bike shoes, Gloves, Glasses and Helmet)
Saddle bag (not up for wearing a backpack yet)
One arm warmer (just to keep my companion happy)

At first I just roll out on the frontage road with my four legged companions and of course Pmit is right there as well. The plan is to give the dogs a run and see how the trails are on this fine february day. I'm feeling a bit slow and head back to the truck to drop off my companions.

Next, there is no plan but go explore and maybe hit up Rustler's if it is dry. As I rolled past Mary's loop I looked up and said boy I wish. Then I rolled back around and said why not give it a try. As I'm pedaling I'm quite surprised that I can keep going. Then as I'm hitting the first break on the hill a guy facing down hill says I wish I was that strong. Wow if he only knew, pops across my brain quickly followed by what are you talking about. Then a friend rolls past me and I yell his name which is clearly not heard over the blaring mind focusing tunes. I hop back on and chase after him, I kept up with him until the first large step up and then had to let him go. Yet it felt good, hard but good. I am shocked and stunned. I keep going...

I keep waiting for my turn around point, it must be around the corner. This is the first "real" mountain bike ride I've had for a long time. In a couple of days I'll be 2 months out from my surgery. Crazy!

I kept pedaling. The mind, heart, lungs and legs never voicing a negative opinion. Only my trusty companion, that I was unable to leave back at the truck with the dogs, hinted with each mile that maybe this was too much. Then I'd clear an obstacle or catch the view of the Colorado River and keep going.

As I approached the last hill climb, I had energy in my legs, and the laughter and tears ensued. I soon had to clear my eyes to avoid obtaining any Thai Tattoo's. Road Rash will forever be called this thanks to +Jesse Lanci and +Kate Graham's recent trip to Thailand.

I'm left smiling, sore, happy and ready for more! Now I must balance getting time on that new snowboard and getting dirt between my teeth.

Healing is a process and I hope that through this process I find more power than I lost!

No thought

As I settle into my spot on the couch, my spot that has formed to me over the past 7+weeks, I wait. I wait for thoughts, feelings, epiphanies, energy, release, sorrow, longing or anything other than the current lacking in the latter.

I've shuffled my ever so energetic Wife off to work the night shift, with a freshly made Caffe Americano in hand and I settle in. I'm surrounded by animals who have resigned themselves that This One, the one in front of them, will offer no entertainment tonight. The most entertainment they hope to see is possibly a bit of enthusiasm from the couch as Shaun White makes an attempt for his third medal in the Halfpipe. Yet if the dogs had checked their twitter account they would know that won't even happen because Shaun doesn't medal!

Wow I can't even imagine what Shaun might be going through right now. I can't even feel what I am going through right now. It almost makes my situation, held in private, seem so much more manageable vs his viewed by greater than 25 million people. Really just so you know this addition of olympics and Shaun White just happened as I was writing and grasping for something to feel.

I feel low and don't know how to feel about that. Is it ok or am I making it wrong. I don't think I'm making it wrong. I seriously just think it's hard to start to feel better and be brought down by things I use to do on a regular basis. I know I'm gaining strength and endurance it just isn't what I'm use to, which I guess is why the void in feeling.

I went back to work last night. Yep, first shift back to work since 12/17/13! No breakdowns occurred but really it ended up not being a normal night, which is probably a blessing. I showed up to work and no one knew I was going to be there! Just a simple scheduling oups which might have worked out for all parties. Due to this error and the short staffing situation I didn't carry my own patient load but instead assisted on the floor where needed. The point of this?

Well, as I started this post you will remember I've settled into my spot on the couch with my second hot toddy of the night. I'm wiped and it wasn't even a normal shift. I'm not saying it is a good or a bad thing, it just is, which I think bothers me more. I don't know what I expected.

I'm healing! That is awesome! Yet its hard to know when to push and when to be ok with the current flow of energy. I must let you in on a bit of a secret, I'm hard on myself. I know it is a shocker!

What I haven't told you is that yesterday wasn't just about work, staying up all night, critically thinking as a nurse, reliving my illness with co-workers or plain ole surviving night shift. Over the past week+ I've been feeling good enough to get out and play. That play of choice has been forced by mother natures hand which delivered over two+ feet of fresh powder in the past week.  My snowboarding curve has gone from excitement to get out, muscle memory finding out that movements just aren't there as previous, falls, cries and encouragement by my amazing wife.

Let me step back a bit. Last season I sold all my back country gear with the hope of buying a new set up this year. I even bought a season pass to Powderhorn. I haven't had a season pass for years! When my diagnosis occurred I waffled back and forth about turning in my pass for a refund and settling to miss this season all together. A friend let me use her slope board so I could just get out. I was so excited on my first day that my body settled in and hit the slopes with a smile that ended up with snow it in. Yep I hit the deck...softly. It didn't matter how soft I hit, I still hit the ground. I hit the ground on a turn that should have caused no problems, in the past. I gathered myself up and continued for a whopping three runs! Of course for days after I felt like I had fractured a rib, did I mention I hit the deck softly? It was a simple over carve resulting in a layout on the toe side.

The next time we went out there was more powder! Yes, amazing, more powder. This should be awesome. My body once again returned to what it knows best....not. After realizing the body could not do what was needed a breakdown occurred. My amazing partner gathered me up and reminding me of how proud she was and that I was loved. After a brief moment in the lodge with healing sweet potato fries and a shared beer lower angle fun was attempted. I was determined to beat this AND smile while being out in the powder.

So if you have lost track that is two times out so far on the board in the past one and a half weeks. Well, there has been more, of course. I went out with a few peeps last Friday and while I still struggled, I had fun. These days out and seeing the progression got me thinking. Why do I have to kiss this season good bye just because of a major surgery? So, after breaking through my I have to be responsible personality I splurged! Come on, of course I was still responsible. I placed my medical bills on a low payment plan to decrease the monthly reminder of the past and be responsible in the same hand. Then, with the assistance from an early birthday present I bought it! I bought a new back country set up! A Storm splitboard by Venture out of Silverton Colorado.

The point? It's all rehab. Even the drive over to Frisco Colorado to purchase the board from it's past owner was rehab. But then, it happened! Comfort, smiles, enthusiasm, powder sprayed, no falls, giggles that were heard by no one, and the excitement of progression. The board and I went out and played in the powder, again, and I felt good. With smiles broad and energy flying from the successful trip out on the board I headed home to take a nap to prep for my first night back to work.

Pause. Have you put it all together yet? I'm just putting it together as I write so congrats if you are ahead of me. I'm hard on myself. I was excited to see my progression and to feel good through the board. Now I am back where I started because I've gone to work and the old muscle memory won't cut it. I have to go into things with a new, and I don't want to. I hate the waiting and the progression to get back to where I was. I want to be above where I was. I wanted to be stronger than I was. That was my plan. Planning to be healthy and go into the biking season stronger than when I left. That isn't the case for anything I take on these days. I will be behind and that is the challenge these days. The challenge of being ok where ever I am and acknowledging how far I've come on all stages not just the current one.

Now I settle back into my spot with a bit more ease than when I started this post. It's ok that I'm tired. I'm not use to working nights let alone doing a sport before work. I'm getting better and that which accelerates me is also what holds me back.

The Key

No matter what,
it doesn't matter.

No matter the -
analyzation, advice, hindsight, should nots, wishing, knowledge, pushing, pulling, crying, screaming, gathered information, theories applied, altered patterns, food eaten or avoided, where you wanted to be, where you were going...
It is what it is.

Even the knowing -
     No matter what you do it will be what it is
won't help.

The internal struggle or external struggle
matters not -
It will be what it is

Nothing matters -
nothing will change
     This is where I'm at -
Where I'm at won't change
     no matter what -
It is what it is.

Knowing I'm on a rats wheel
won't change
    that I'm still going in circles -
It won't matter.

Nothing will alter the
current course or where I am right now-
It is what it is.

Pure acceptance
will change you and your perspective.
You will still be where you are
Nothing will change that,
but you will change.

Now I'm in my cage
knowing that I'm running circles -
No matter where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do,
will change.

I run for acceptance -
a fleeting and brief peace occurs, as
I close in on my prey.

It sounded so soft and fluffy,
this prey.
Achievable and easy.

Come on, really, this is all I have to do -
Accept where I am?
It seems so easy.

No matter -
my gaming skills, the fleeting thought that I'm sneaky, the speed at which I can run, my cunning wits, Yoga, Meditation, writing, napping, affirmations, therapy, cancer surviver books, confirmations, acknowledgment of how far I've come and where I'm at now….
Makes my prey no easier to catch!!!!

I Promised...

This post has been rattling around inside me for 30 days now. I told you that I would communicate my thoughts on boobies and I've not lied but at this point it can't all be expressed, sorted, and made pretty with bows on top. Whether this is for the woman, the man or society itself I'm clear there is a ton of sexuality, femininity, beauty and the ability to be sexy currently wrapped up in the boob. Even the term you might use to describe the female breast varies as much as the shape they come in…

Cantaloupes
Boulders
Boobies
Glands
Grapefruits
Honkers
Hooters
Tits
Titties
Bosom
Highbeams
Tatas
Mellons
Rack
Nips
Knockers
Women's secret Source of Power
Should I continue???? I think not but feel free to add to the list, day dream or move on but no touching.

I'm clear I still have no idea how my breasts defined me and now have a new relationship to develop (couldn't avoid that one). My scars I will have to learn to love, imbrace and dress up just as I did with my breasts. I will need to learn new definitions, stories and gain empowerment from my current remodeled body.

Instead of this post being about my view on to have or not have breasts I decided to have some fun. Too much seriousness around this subject. I hope you find the love, admiration and fun that I do.

During my Month I have had many of people share their tata begone dance but not all of those people agreed for me to share what they shared. Probably because I forgot to ask but all the same those are just for me. I did have a group of six women who decided to have a very empowering day painting up their boobies for me! Yep all for me! Ok maybe it was for themselves as well but come on.

I've been given permission to share their pics as long as no identification is given and faces are not shared. I smiled, cried and laughed when my friend shared the pics with me. This woman decided to honor my journey by sharing it with other ladies and creating art. These women took it on and moved it into a journey of their own. A journey of self love and acknowledgement. I have incorporated my own self love and acknowledgement into this slideshow as well. If the slide show does not show up below you can use this link to view the slideshow on tatas .

tatas - slideshow

Time Flies?

My mind is spinning a bit which makes starting a new post difficult but I say we give it a try anyway.

One month has snuck by since I underwent surgery for a Bilateral Mastectomy with sentinel node dissection which occurred during early afternoon on 12/20/13. I'm healing, all at different paces but I am healing my physical, emotional and mental body. Each one has proven to have very different challenges and needs. I can tell you that I've not done this alone and could not have done this alone. The community has played a vital part during this past month and I'm sure it will be the same in the coming months. Thank you so so much. I'm glad to say there are too many of you to thank personally in this blog. If you are reading this blog then you are one of those nameless people.

I have holes in my timeline and memory but I'm sure if you interviewed my Wife she would say that wasn't anything new. To intervene in these gaps I've moved all my get well cards into our office and sat and read them during a non-narcotic high. It has been utterly amazing at how many people have shown up in our lives. What I mean by showing up is that they became visible that they are in my life and not just during the kick ass adventures. Hmm I guess this was an ass kicking adventure. People showed up via personal phone calls, cards, amazing packages of joy sent via post of dropped at our door, christmas shopping completed for my wife to insure she had something to open, emails of love and advice, meals cooked, parties thrown, kitchens cleaned, showers given, hair washed, clothes removed, fluid drained, time spent, miles driven, laughs caused, tears wiped, follow up texts/calls, meditations given and phone calls taken at all hours. During this process I've even been given insight. Insight into where I have not shown up for my friends and family in the past. I just received a box of joy from a long time friend +Shelly and we had an amazing conversation where we discussed my lacking of show during her transition of the loss of her father. Truly amazing call and love shared during this call of admitting what was lacking. I say pick your head up and see where you need to show up and go do it.

It is amazing at how much information there is out in the world that can overwhelm and or inform at the same time. I feel there are plenty of things that I could have been told that would have helped me down this journey and I hope my blog will be that for others. One of my recent tidbits given to me by a lovely friend, +Sharon, about wearing a tight top to assist the Lymph to learn a new path might just change my recovery speed. I've been having pain in my right side that the MD isn't relieving through advice or meds. The best description I have is that it is like having a tourniquet from the top of my peck under my arm and up to the top of my scapula. Remember timing and knowledge always play a factor but I was not told this advice by my MD. Sharon shared that her OT told her to wear tight tops to lovingly convince the lymph to flow. I say lovingly because I tried tight things early on and the pain was too much under that darn right arm. This week I received a love box from +Sara Rice with a new top and guess what? It fits tight so I wouldn't wear it. After my advice I went and grabbed that tight top and wiggled into it. Last night was the first night that by the end of the day I didn't want to dig into my arm and find a find a pressure release valve. When I woke this morning I performed the same ritual of wiggling into the tight top with pleasure! Tomorrow I start PT and can't wait for new info to change my course on this long road of healing.

My point is, during a process like this you will get lots of peoples views/advice/suggestions/hints/support and I suggest that you try it on for size and see how it fits. No matter how the information comes across your radar screen just try it on for size and if it fits keep it and if it doesn't, leave it for another time because who knows it might fit later.

If this post seems to drop off a cliff and it felt it should have gone somewhere else I apologize because I lost my train of thought. I'm healing and starting to see progress which makes me feel good. It's been a while since I felt progress. I exhausted myself last week traveling to Denver to see my dad who was once again in ICU and was worried I would never see progress. I survived the week driving up and down I-25, my dad is healing and facing a longer recovery than me. I told him that we make a pair but I don't think it made him laugh like it did me.

One month down and here is to a healthier time and healing hand over fist. I look forward to getting stronger and the upcoming biking season. I still hope to get in some powder days. Funny or not so funny that this is the first season that I've bought a season pass in over a decade. Oh well…

I know I've promised you all my post on boobies and it is coming!