Cancer Jeans

How do you wear your cancer jeans? Mine? Well, those are actually mountain biking shorts, not jeans. My jeans actually don't fit and I haven't bought a new pair in a really, really long time. On the other hand I just got a new pair of biking shorts just last week for my birthday. 

I'm in awe by human nature.  I'm especially in awe by the humbling nature of cancer warriors. 

This time last year I was struggling to fully recover, damn it, from my surgery. My friend was being diagnosed, facing surgery and possible chemo. We actually did a race together in April as a first race back for me and a last race before her surgery. Boy did I suck in all that rain and mud. 

Tonight I picked up this friend at the airport, bags in tow, looking fab and on her way to Moab. She finished Chemo last year in September and this weekend she races an adventure race in Moab! What do you think was on her mind? It was about how bad she will suck in the race because winter was brutal with tons of snow and no training due to weather. 

UM hello, you are racing! It isn't even a year since being diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. You look fab and oh by the way you had seven sedative procedures last year, chemo and moved to start a new job. Yep, you sucking is the top of my list. Man you should have trained more cuz there is no crying in adventure racing. That is until I saw the naughty christmas costume fall out of your luggage, then I cried. 

So, how do you wear your jeans? Do you wear them at all? Or did you leave them on the line as you sprinted fully into life? 

I'm proud to see this bad ass lady looking awesome head into a fun filled weekend giggling and taking names! I'm frankly just simply glad to see this chic alive. Thanks for reminding me how time flies, how much has been, and will be achieved. 

Free ? ?

Forgive me. Forgive the lack of formulated thought, editing, formatting or grammatical correctness.

I'm almost three beers in and even that isn't slowing the thoughts to a point of capture. I've just has a great day of lawyers, dentists, yoga, rock climbing and a shared parking lot brewski. As I look back at the last post its been a while since I've written. It's December and Saturday is a year since I had surgery. I've definitely been present to dates which hold weight as they pass.....starting of the process, diagnosis, surgery, pain, recovery and the current state of affairs......

Man, life doesn't stop. If you think it does you might need to join me and crack a beer. Just in the past two weeks life has created the following contents on my story, the first death on my table, A death to a love one, worry and concern for the future of the one who was left behind, a friend receives a clean bill of health after 2.5 years of chemo, a year anniversary for me post bilateral mastectomy, my 74 year old mother being asked if she is a marathon runner at her cardiac stress test appointment, my wife being told she needs a needle biopsy, a close friend who approaches her year anniversary reporting her father has stage 3 cancer, speaking to a lawyer about wills/living wills and Power of Attorneys just incase.

WTF. I guess we are just need to enjoy the ride.

As the cat snuggles in on the laptop and I attempt to write, compose and think....it has been a, what is the right adjective, GREAT...NO, not quite it, INTERESTING....that is closer or is it just LIFE?

I decided a few weeks ago that I am interested and committed to starting a cancer survivor program that I've been tossing around in my mind. I'm calling it, for now, Playing in the Dirt -accessing freedom through expressive writing and physical activity. The original idea was about writing and mountain biking and calling it Wride Write  but I was too busy during the riding season to create anything. I had a great talk, or so I think, with a doc and presented the idea in it's infant state of design.

I notice that I'm sensitive. No really, it's true. I know it is a shocker. I discussed the idea with a doc about the idea and hosting it and she seemed totally on board (or that is what I heard). I've been going through the process of checking things out with the cancer center to honor their process and not recreate the wheel and when I touched base today with the doc it sounded like they were moving forward without me. I'm sensitive and it was my idea......I was justing looking for support and fertile ground. How do I let this grow without me or just with part of me??? How do I hang on and create what I am committed too with contribution and other ideas? How do I let this infant go as it wants without shutting down as it goes a direction without me?

I've hit the end of my thoughts other than looking at areas in my life where I might be easily shut down by others of myself. I guess that is my next project.

I hope my next post will be about sharing my year in pictures and maybe that I've been chosen as an ambassador for Juliana bicycles . Yes, I actually applied to be an ambassador. It took a lot. I love that they are all about women and supporting cycling. I love the dirt and riding on it! Seems like a great match.

Cheers to a New Year and thanks for all the support during this journey and life itself!

Let's

Let me be honest, I've had tough times

My friend lost a parent this year
Mine, are still living.

My cousin lost a child
It wasn't my mine.

A friend's brother took his own life
My sister lives.

Several friends battle cancer
I'm not in chemo.

My friend died
I wasn't his sister, mother or daughter.

Do I need to spell it out?
Each time broke me down
Etched away at who I am
To be the one I am today
who believed she'd had tough times.

I HAD cancer
I fear it's return.

It made me question everything about myself.
This thing the Doctor sits me down and tells me I have
eats away at my foundation, my beliefs.

The Spanish inquisition is released on my every fiber
My Personality, relationship, nutrition, spirituality all come under fire.

The not knowing what to believe
The pure questioning in itself, painful

The body heals
The energy returns
The mind must be kept in check


I've been off the radar because I've been hiding. I pulled away from my family because the last time they saw me was 5 days out of surgery and to them I'm still that person. My friends have moved on and seem to have forgotten which gives me space. I've hidden long enough to emerge as someone different or someone who never had cancer. Someone who never had body changing surgery. Someone who questions everything that has gotten her here today. 

It's been tough but I'm coming out of it. I went off line when my pain became chronic. I returned too soon to work. I was unprepared for how much work and my surgery would drain me so I hid. I fell off the grid and tried to get back on my bike. It didn't help that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer and then had to go through chemo. 

Due to pain I had to back off the bike so I hid more. It's like the bike was the true time eraser. I wanted back on! 
Then it happened, I starting having less pain, and work starting flowing. 

Now I've been off the radar due to riding the bike, and trying to keep up with my wife. No, not a complete time eraser but pretty damn good. Stay tuned for updates moving forward and I'll attempt to get us caught up from the past. I'm still hiding and enjoying spending time with myself. 

Breastie

I post this blog with the title Breastie in honor of a lovely dear friend of mine's birthday. She has nicknamed me her Breastie as we have fallen down a rocky path together called breast cancer. Her 36th birthday is tomorrow and she is two weeks out from her first of four chemo treatments, all to give her a decreased recurrence rate..........this is all I can write on this subject right now.

It has been a while since I posted, all the way back to April 9th. At that point we were just dealing with my chronic discomfort and my friends new diagnosis and surgery. As I was slipping and crawling up to the surface, her diagnosis hit too close to home, shaking my world and allow me to slip further. I know, I fell of the face of blogging world and I'm not ready to be responsible for that yet.

I'm aware of the time and all the things that have occurred since my last post but don't look to this post to bring us up to date. I'm kicking ass and feeling great, by the way.   For those of you who did follow my last post, I HAVE seen differences in our two surgeries given the changes in the seasonal energy!

April was a dark time for me and I hope to post on this more soon. The purpose of this blog it to say to someone and therefore be accountable, that I'm back. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my friends birthday as she boldly goes forth into her future.  Happy friggin 36th birthday and YES next year we both get redo birthday events! It will happen!

We all have those friends that fade due to geographical changes. Well, to my sadness my Breastie is moving to VT in August after chemo is finished. Life is throwing another opportunity for me to be or act differently than I have in the past....what will I do.

We sat on the front steps today, red wine in hand (you got me drunk by the way), front door wide open pushing swamp cooler air over our shoulders and discussed...life. We discussed, work, passions, education, future, families, food, health and more.  We made promises to each other to stay close and discussed where that has fallen out in the past, more apparently on my side than hers. We are now promising to do one race, mountain bike of course, together somewhere in the US each year. We will have this to look forward to and push each other, or lovingly rag, from afar.  This blog is a public declaration that we, Breasties, will do one race per year together.

I'm also asking that it be about the bike and not about our history with cancer. We have that as a connection, it is true. Yet I don't want our passion and connection to only come from cancer. We were biking badass buddies before cancer and that is what I will hold on to, not the cancer.

Happy Birthday, I love you and almost can't comprehend you not being within biking distance and that tonight might be the last time we will get to hand out in a long while......sad face. But I'm ok, right....on to the next subject:) enough of that as you would say.

To all my friends I've lost contact with due to geographical positioning, it happens, now what are we going to do about it? I know you all are close to me in my heart and I'd do anything for you but I miss your voices, your touches, your ever relentless pushing for the next thing. What promises do we need to make....and keep?

Kapha

It's spring, in case you didn't notice. This means we are coming out of winter and bringing with it a possible excess of kapha energy.

Kapha energy is grounding, yet if we have too much guess what. Instead of returned vitality of growth and spring buds we get sludge. Increased phlem, depression and more.

We need Kapha energy to lubricate our joints as we jump up and hit the dirt with spring in our teeth. Yet if we don't honor it we will end up with an imbalance that feels like cement chains holding us down.

Careful, don't invite lightness and loftyness into your life otherwise Vata will rule. No way you will be able to choose or have smooth joints to jump if she gets out of balance.

Why isn't it easy? Seeds seem to do it so naturally. They seem to effortlessly jump from mother earth with the energy to tackle life. They aren't weighing the doshas with such calculation, as I.

My pita has puttered, my kapha and Vata battle it out like a prize MMA fighter...with me as the under weight contender.

Depression, sinus sludge and self loathing are abundant, for me. Not sprigs of growth, wonder and change. I'm healing from the dreaded C word and prepping for a best friend to tackle the dreaded C. How will her surgery and healing be different given the ayurvedic seasons? Hers done in the changing light of spring while mine was in the darkness of winter?? Or another way to say it...hers in the height of Vata and mine during Kapha? Yes, I know it's not that simple.

I'm told the difference will be the distinction between sukah and dukha and no those aren't planets in the republic. They are the difference between good and bad space. Well duh.

No really, as cynical as I am it's about balancing through poses(asana) breath and more. Breath is referred to as pranayama or often known as life force.

If interested please look into the different asanas and pranayama techniques for balancing your over or under abundance of Kapha.

I myself am going to figure out how to listen to my body and my past knowledge to create a happy balance. It seems impossible but that has to be my excess Kapha talking.

Right now I've added in acupuncture, massage, manual lymph drainage, mountain biking, kinesio taping, ART, a bit of alcohol(not suggested) and self love in an attempt to find a middle point in which I might feel empowered. This list doesn't count for the asana, breathing and food which I've yet figured out how to sprout into my daily life, versus my mental life.

It's spring, get after it! Even if you feel like you can't! The knowledge and assistance are out there! Let the death and dying of mother nature's winter feed your soul!

Create a goal and hold on to it as if your life depends, because it does. Then, get a bigger problem than you, and you will find the flow.

Really?

In a few hours it will be three months....who the F" cares.

I'd almost forgotten.

The past week seems like a dream.
I've changed to dayshift, with it, I've doubled my energy.
I spent the week working, touring to a hut trip and biking...
     basically, tiring due to something other than work! Yeah!!

screech, scrape, crash and burn

Wow, really!

Life- I've been listening to you, really I have.

Life is precious and I know it.
Life is something to be honored.

Life- have you not been listening to me? really?

Work clock strikes 06:53
     time to clock in and something is wrong.

Yesterday was fine, am I just tired?
     nothing is going well at work, why?

screech, scrape, crash and burn

How do I say it? How do I express it?
WTF, really? I've been listening, really I have.

Life, what are you communicating?
     I must not be listening.

One of my strong branches broke today!
     News no one wishes to hear!

Life, how can you not honor her roots after such support given?
How can you build her up so much, with no concern of the fall.

Cancer, we are tired of you!
     Go away and never come back!
          Leave my roots and branches alone!

I am sad and heavy at heart. I can't believe that on the eve of three months which should be a celebration sadness settles in as a fog.

Trapped at work today when all I wanted was to fly!
      Contribution felt by people, yet not those I wished!

Four today deal with a challenge in life and my heart goes out to them.

Life.....I know it is precious....what do you want me to get?

Today, I cross into three months of healing after a cancer diagnosis. Today I deal with others loss which is mine all the same. A close friend lost a child to be today and another heard news no one should hear, you have cancer. Really?

Hug someone! Cuz either you or they need it!


Not edited or rethought....please excuse.

Post Op - 2 months

I had planned this really cool post for my two month post but instead I've been outdoors playing in the dirt, snow and sun. Oh and don't forget I'm back to work which is kicking my butt. I did work on a resource section that will be an ever growing creature and got it posted today....

So this is my two month post!

It's been two months
     Wholly Cow!

It feels like it has been forever.

It's only been two months
     jeepers creepers!

I'm not back to 100%, but
    I'm going in the right direction.

It's been two months-
     since a bilateral mastectomy-
          You have to be kidding me!

I can't wait for the next two months to pass this slow
     Cuz I'll only have one more month of training left
          before the Gunny Growler....YEEK

Jeepers Creepers
     It's been two months!

That is all I have time to say
as the sun rays call me forth.

I have to get outside!

It's been two months
    and I'm alive and loved!