Let's

Let me be honest, I've had tough times

My friend lost a parent this year
Mine, are still living.

My cousin lost a child
It wasn't my mine.

A friend's brother took his own life
My sister lives.

Several friends battle cancer
I'm not in chemo.

My friend died
I wasn't his sister, mother or daughter.

Do I need to spell it out?
Each time broke me down
Etched away at who I am
To be the one I am today
who believed she'd had tough times.

I HAD cancer
I fear it's return.

It made me question everything about myself.
This thing the Doctor sits me down and tells me I have
eats away at my foundation, my beliefs.

The Spanish inquisition is released on my every fiber
My Personality, relationship, nutrition, spirituality all come under fire.

The not knowing what to believe
The pure questioning in itself, painful

The body heals
The energy returns
The mind must be kept in check


I've been off the radar because I've been hiding. I pulled away from my family because the last time they saw me was 5 days out of surgery and to them I'm still that person. My friends have moved on and seem to have forgotten which gives me space. I've hidden long enough to emerge as someone different or someone who never had cancer. Someone who never had body changing surgery. Someone who questions everything that has gotten her here today. 

It's been tough but I'm coming out of it. I went off line when my pain became chronic. I returned too soon to work. I was unprepared for how much work and my surgery would drain me so I hid. I fell off the grid and tried to get back on my bike. It didn't help that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with Breast cancer and then had to go through chemo. 

Due to pain I had to back off the bike so I hid more. It's like the bike was the true time eraser. I wanted back on! 
Then it happened, I starting having less pain, and work starting flowing. 

Now I've been off the radar due to riding the bike, and trying to keep up with my wife. No, not a complete time eraser but pretty damn good. Stay tuned for updates moving forward and I'll attempt to get us caught up from the past. I'm still hiding and enjoying spending time with myself. 

Breastie

I post this blog with the title Breastie in honor of a lovely dear friend of mine's birthday. She has nicknamed me her Breastie as we have fallen down a rocky path together called breast cancer. Her 36th birthday is tomorrow and she is two weeks out from her first of four chemo treatments, all to give her a decreased recurrence rate..........this is all I can write on this subject right now.

It has been a while since I posted, all the way back to April 9th. At that point we were just dealing with my chronic discomfort and my friends new diagnosis and surgery. As I was slipping and crawling up to the surface, her diagnosis hit too close to home, shaking my world and allow me to slip further. I know, I fell of the face of blogging world and I'm not ready to be responsible for that yet.

I'm aware of the time and all the things that have occurred since my last post but don't look to this post to bring us up to date. I'm kicking ass and feeling great, by the way.   For those of you who did follow my last post, I HAVE seen differences in our two surgeries given the changes in the seasonal energy!

April was a dark time for me and I hope to post on this more soon. The purpose of this blog it to say to someone and therefore be accountable, that I'm back. I also wanted to publicly acknowledge my friends birthday as she boldly goes forth into her future.  Happy friggin 36th birthday and YES next year we both get redo birthday events! It will happen!

We all have those friends that fade due to geographical changes. Well, to my sadness my Breastie is moving to VT in August after chemo is finished. Life is throwing another opportunity for me to be or act differently than I have in the past....what will I do.

We sat on the front steps today, red wine in hand (you got me drunk by the way), front door wide open pushing swamp cooler air over our shoulders and discussed...life. We discussed, work, passions, education, future, families, food, health and more.  We made promises to each other to stay close and discussed where that has fallen out in the past, more apparently on my side than hers. We are now promising to do one race, mountain bike of course, together somewhere in the US each year. We will have this to look forward to and push each other, or lovingly rag, from afar.  This blog is a public declaration that we, Breasties, will do one race per year together.

I'm also asking that it be about the bike and not about our history with cancer. We have that as a connection, it is true. Yet I don't want our passion and connection to only come from cancer. We were biking badass buddies before cancer and that is what I will hold on to, not the cancer.

Happy Birthday, I love you and almost can't comprehend you not being within biking distance and that tonight might be the last time we will get to hand out in a long while......sad face. But I'm ok, right....on to the next subject:) enough of that as you would say.

To all my friends I've lost contact with due to geographical positioning, it happens, now what are we going to do about it? I know you all are close to me in my heart and I'd do anything for you but I miss your voices, your touches, your ever relentless pushing for the next thing. What promises do we need to make....and keep?

Kapha

It's spring, in case you didn't notice. This means we are coming out of winter and bringing with it a possible excess of kapha energy.

Kapha energy is grounding, yet if we have too much guess what. Instead of returned vitality of growth and spring buds we get sludge. Increased phlem, depression and more.

We need Kapha energy to lubricate our joints as we jump up and hit the dirt with spring in our teeth. Yet if we don't honor it we will end up with an imbalance that feels like cement chains holding us down.

Careful, don't invite lightness and loftyness into your life otherwise Vata will rule. No way you will be able to choose or have smooth joints to jump if she gets out of balance.

Why isn't it easy? Seeds seem to do it so naturally. They seem to effortlessly jump from mother earth with the energy to tackle life. They aren't weighing the doshas with such calculation, as I.

My pita has puttered, my kapha and Vata battle it out like a prize MMA fighter...with me as the under weight contender.

Depression, sinus sludge and self loathing are abundant, for me. Not sprigs of growth, wonder and change. I'm healing from the dreaded C word and prepping for a best friend to tackle the dreaded C. How will her surgery and healing be different given the ayurvedic seasons? Hers done in the changing light of spring while mine was in the darkness of winter?? Or another way to say it...hers in the height of Vata and mine during Kapha? Yes, I know it's not that simple.

I'm told the difference will be the distinction between sukah and dukha and no those aren't planets in the republic. They are the difference between good and bad space. Well duh.

No really, as cynical as I am it's about balancing through poses(asana) breath and more. Breath is referred to as pranayama or often known as life force.

If interested please look into the different asanas and pranayama techniques for balancing your over or under abundance of Kapha.

I myself am going to figure out how to listen to my body and my past knowledge to create a happy balance. It seems impossible but that has to be my excess Kapha talking.

Right now I've added in acupuncture, massage, manual lymph drainage, mountain biking, kinesio taping, ART, a bit of alcohol(not suggested) and self love in an attempt to find a middle point in which I might feel empowered. This list doesn't count for the asana, breathing and food which I've yet figured out how to sprout into my daily life, versus my mental life.

It's spring, get after it! Even if you feel like you can't! The knowledge and assistance are out there! Let the death and dying of mother nature's winter feed your soul!

Create a goal and hold on to it as if your life depends, because it does. Then, get a bigger problem than you, and you will find the flow.

Really?

In a few hours it will be three months....who the F" cares.

I'd almost forgotten.

The past week seems like a dream.
I've changed to dayshift, with it, I've doubled my energy.
I spent the week working, touring to a hut trip and biking...
     basically, tiring due to something other than work! Yeah!!

screech, scrape, crash and burn

Wow, really!

Life- I've been listening to you, really I have.

Life is precious and I know it.
Life is something to be honored.

Life- have you not been listening to me? really?

Work clock strikes 06:53
     time to clock in and something is wrong.

Yesterday was fine, am I just tired?
     nothing is going well at work, why?

screech, scrape, crash and burn

How do I say it? How do I express it?
WTF, really? I've been listening, really I have.

Life, what are you communicating?
     I must not be listening.

One of my strong branches broke today!
     News no one wishes to hear!

Life, how can you not honor her roots after such support given?
How can you build her up so much, with no concern of the fall.

Cancer, we are tired of you!
     Go away and never come back!
          Leave my roots and branches alone!

I am sad and heavy at heart. I can't believe that on the eve of three months which should be a celebration sadness settles in as a fog.

Trapped at work today when all I wanted was to fly!
      Contribution felt by people, yet not those I wished!

Four today deal with a challenge in life and my heart goes out to them.

Life.....I know it is precious....what do you want me to get?

Today, I cross into three months of healing after a cancer diagnosis. Today I deal with others loss which is mine all the same. A close friend lost a child to be today and another heard news no one should hear, you have cancer. Really?

Hug someone! Cuz either you or they need it!


Not edited or rethought....please excuse.

Post Op - 2 months

I had planned this really cool post for my two month post but instead I've been outdoors playing in the dirt, snow and sun. Oh and don't forget I'm back to work which is kicking my butt. I did work on a resource section that will be an ever growing creature and got it posted today....

So this is my two month post!

It's been two months
     Wholly Cow!

It feels like it has been forever.

It's only been two months
     jeepers creepers!

I'm not back to 100%, but
    I'm going in the right direction.

It's been two months-
     since a bilateral mastectomy-
          You have to be kidding me!

I can't wait for the next two months to pass this slow
     Cuz I'll only have one more month of training left
          before the Gunny Growler....YEEK

Jeepers Creepers
     It's been two months!

That is all I have time to say
as the sun rays call me forth.

I have to get outside!

It's been two months
    and I'm alive and loved!

Perfect Ride

After rehabbing from my work schedule, a whopping one night shift in a row, it is time to get outside. I must get out because the sun is going to shine today. Plus I'll have a few days to recover before my next night shift. I checked the weather, sun today, and choose my sport; mountain bike ride.

I packed the truck with my ride companions. Our dogs, Johnny and Basil and my new companion. I've had this companion for two months now. Lets call my new companion Pmit (pressure, muscle irritation, tourniquet).

Outfitting myself these days has been challenging and sometimes takes a bit. Instead of leaving the house looking cool I look as if I won't be back for days with bags stuffed with various outfits and things. Yes- Things. Things I might or might not need! Today's outfit consisted of the following:
Bike shorts and Vest from my old racing kit (since my girth is outside normal cool mbt clothes)
WarmFront Chest warmer(1/4 of the way through the ride it gets turned around and flys out like a cape)
Standard affair (bike shoes, Gloves, Glasses and Helmet)
Saddle bag (not up for wearing a backpack yet)
One arm warmer (just to keep my companion happy)

At first I just roll out on the frontage road with my four legged companions and of course Pmit is right there as well. The plan is to give the dogs a run and see how the trails are on this fine february day. I'm feeling a bit slow and head back to the truck to drop off my companions.

Next, there is no plan but go explore and maybe hit up Rustler's if it is dry. As I rolled past Mary's loop I looked up and said boy I wish. Then I rolled back around and said why not give it a try. As I'm pedaling I'm quite surprised that I can keep going. Then as I'm hitting the first break on the hill a guy facing down hill says I wish I was that strong. Wow if he only knew, pops across my brain quickly followed by what are you talking about. Then a friend rolls past me and I yell his name which is clearly not heard over the blaring mind focusing tunes. I hop back on and chase after him, I kept up with him until the first large step up and then had to let him go. Yet it felt good, hard but good. I am shocked and stunned. I keep going...

I keep waiting for my turn around point, it must be around the corner. This is the first "real" mountain bike ride I've had for a long time. In a couple of days I'll be 2 months out from my surgery. Crazy!

I kept pedaling. The mind, heart, lungs and legs never voicing a negative opinion. Only my trusty companion, that I was unable to leave back at the truck with the dogs, hinted with each mile that maybe this was too much. Then I'd clear an obstacle or catch the view of the Colorado River and keep going.

As I approached the last hill climb, I had energy in my legs, and the laughter and tears ensued. I soon had to clear my eyes to avoid obtaining any Thai Tattoo's. Road Rash will forever be called this thanks to +Jesse Lanci and +Kate Graham's recent trip to Thailand.

I'm left smiling, sore, happy and ready for more! Now I must balance getting time on that new snowboard and getting dirt between my teeth.

Healing is a process and I hope that through this process I find more power than I lost!

No thought

As I settle into my spot on the couch, my spot that has formed to me over the past 7+weeks, I wait. I wait for thoughts, feelings, epiphanies, energy, release, sorrow, longing or anything other than the current lacking in the latter.

I've shuffled my ever so energetic Wife off to work the night shift, with a freshly made Caffe Americano in hand and I settle in. I'm surrounded by animals who have resigned themselves that This One, the one in front of them, will offer no entertainment tonight. The most entertainment they hope to see is possibly a bit of enthusiasm from the couch as Shaun White makes an attempt for his third medal in the Halfpipe. Yet if the dogs had checked their twitter account they would know that won't even happen because Shaun doesn't medal!

Wow I can't even imagine what Shaun might be going through right now. I can't even feel what I am going through right now. It almost makes my situation, held in private, seem so much more manageable vs his viewed by greater than 25 million people. Really just so you know this addition of olympics and Shaun White just happened as I was writing and grasping for something to feel.

I feel low and don't know how to feel about that. Is it ok or am I making it wrong. I don't think I'm making it wrong. I seriously just think it's hard to start to feel better and be brought down by things I use to do on a regular basis. I know I'm gaining strength and endurance it just isn't what I'm use to, which I guess is why the void in feeling.

I went back to work last night. Yep, first shift back to work since 12/17/13! No breakdowns occurred but really it ended up not being a normal night, which is probably a blessing. I showed up to work and no one knew I was going to be there! Just a simple scheduling oups which might have worked out for all parties. Due to this error and the short staffing situation I didn't carry my own patient load but instead assisted on the floor where needed. The point of this?

Well, as I started this post you will remember I've settled into my spot on the couch with my second hot toddy of the night. I'm wiped and it wasn't even a normal shift. I'm not saying it is a good or a bad thing, it just is, which I think bothers me more. I don't know what I expected.

I'm healing! That is awesome! Yet its hard to know when to push and when to be ok with the current flow of energy. I must let you in on a bit of a secret, I'm hard on myself. I know it is a shocker!

What I haven't told you is that yesterday wasn't just about work, staying up all night, critically thinking as a nurse, reliving my illness with co-workers or plain ole surviving night shift. Over the past week+ I've been feeling good enough to get out and play. That play of choice has been forced by mother natures hand which delivered over two+ feet of fresh powder in the past week.  My snowboarding curve has gone from excitement to get out, muscle memory finding out that movements just aren't there as previous, falls, cries and encouragement by my amazing wife.

Let me step back a bit. Last season I sold all my back country gear with the hope of buying a new set up this year. I even bought a season pass to Powderhorn. I haven't had a season pass for years! When my diagnosis occurred I waffled back and forth about turning in my pass for a refund and settling to miss this season all together. A friend let me use her slope board so I could just get out. I was so excited on my first day that my body settled in and hit the slopes with a smile that ended up with snow it in. Yep I hit the deck...softly. It didn't matter how soft I hit, I still hit the ground. I hit the ground on a turn that should have caused no problems, in the past. I gathered myself up and continued for a whopping three runs! Of course for days after I felt like I had fractured a rib, did I mention I hit the deck softly? It was a simple over carve resulting in a layout on the toe side.

The next time we went out there was more powder! Yes, amazing, more powder. This should be awesome. My body once again returned to what it knows best....not. After realizing the body could not do what was needed a breakdown occurred. My amazing partner gathered me up and reminding me of how proud she was and that I was loved. After a brief moment in the lodge with healing sweet potato fries and a shared beer lower angle fun was attempted. I was determined to beat this AND smile while being out in the powder.

So if you have lost track that is two times out so far on the board in the past one and a half weeks. Well, there has been more, of course. I went out with a few peeps last Friday and while I still struggled, I had fun. These days out and seeing the progression got me thinking. Why do I have to kiss this season good bye just because of a major surgery? So, after breaking through my I have to be responsible personality I splurged! Come on, of course I was still responsible. I placed my medical bills on a low payment plan to decrease the monthly reminder of the past and be responsible in the same hand. Then, with the assistance from an early birthday present I bought it! I bought a new back country set up! A Storm splitboard by Venture out of Silverton Colorado.

The point? It's all rehab. Even the drive over to Frisco Colorado to purchase the board from it's past owner was rehab. But then, it happened! Comfort, smiles, enthusiasm, powder sprayed, no falls, giggles that were heard by no one, and the excitement of progression. The board and I went out and played in the powder, again, and I felt good. With smiles broad and energy flying from the successful trip out on the board I headed home to take a nap to prep for my first night back to work.

Pause. Have you put it all together yet? I'm just putting it together as I write so congrats if you are ahead of me. I'm hard on myself. I was excited to see my progression and to feel good through the board. Now I am back where I started because I've gone to work and the old muscle memory won't cut it. I have to go into things with a new, and I don't want to. I hate the waiting and the progression to get back to where I was. I want to be above where I was. I wanted to be stronger than I was. That was my plan. Planning to be healthy and go into the biking season stronger than when I left. That isn't the case for anything I take on these days. I will be behind and that is the challenge these days. The challenge of being ok where ever I am and acknowledging how far I've come on all stages not just the current one.

Now I settle back into my spot with a bit more ease than when I started this post. It's ok that I'm tired. I'm not use to working nights let alone doing a sport before work. I'm getting better and that which accelerates me is also what holds me back.